Dr Strangelife or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Coronavirus

Written by davidagnewpenn
  • Free Pass for Gluttony. Hell, we’re all gonna die from this anyway, right? That’s certainly the sense you get from watching the news. Or worse, Facebook. So grab that party-size bag of Doritos off the near empty shelf at the grocery store. All the real food’s been hoarded, anyway. I mean, yeah, there’s some vegetarian crap, but I’ll be damned if my last meal’s gonna be a goddamn tofu burger. Think of it as if you’re on death row (’cause you kinda are). You got one last meal. Indulge. You wanna grab that pack of gummy bears, but worried that the cute, rainbow-colored fellas are gonna rot your teeth? Well, lemme ask you a question: have you ever seen a corpse in a coffin with its mouth open? Rest assured, you’ll take your plaque-ridden choppers to the grave. Literally and metaphorically. So gorge away, my friends.
  • Wear Wutchyalike, to paraphrase the legendary philosopher Humpty Hump. Mismatched socks, sweat pants, and that grungy shirt with moth holes and spaghetti sauce on it? Fuck it. No one cares. Like, not one iota. Others are too busy tightening their surgical masks and calculating preciously how far six feet away is. Nah, you’re golden, pony boy.  Hell, you don’t even need to take a shower. And you certainly don’t need to comb your hair, let alone wash that unruly mop. What the hell for? That’s like washing your car before a thunderstorm… but do wash your hands, though. Seriously. For all of us.
  • Be Like a Sloth. And I think we can all agree, objectively speaking, that sloths are f’ng adorable. This is the only time in recorded history that being a fat, lazy bastard is not only accepted by society, but downright encouraged. So go for it. Binge watch till your eyes bleed. Play Xbox till your thumb falls off. Stream porn till… well, you get the picture. Point is, indulge in the fine art of being a couch potato. Do it for your county. It is, after all, our communal duty. You know, like our grandparents did. They were dispatched to Europe to defeat the mighty German army and save mankind. Coronavirus is our Third Reich. And, unlike the Greatest Generation, we can fight the enemy from the safety of our futon.
  • Tired of the Couch? Take a drive. It’s a hoot, I swear. Kinda like time traveling back to the birth of the Model T itself. Even the once dreaded 405 looks like a dusty trail in the Old West. Sure, this is what the apocalypse looks like, but savor this experience- it may never happen again. In a couple months (if we survive, of course), we’ll be back to blasting our horns, barking at the asshole in front of us. Oh, and another bonus: gas prices are super cheap these down. So take a cruise down the empty streets and pretend it’s the glory days of 1908. Bully for you!
  • You Save $$$. Sure, the supermarkets gouge a little bit. Gotta expect that. We are capitalists, after all (much to Bernie’s chagrin). But think of all the ways that you usually blow your paycheck… Sporting events. Concerts. Restaurants. And the worse money suck of all, the bar. No more outrageous credit card receipts that you fish out of your pocket the next day, convinced the barkeep screwed you over. Bottom line, being a hermit is fiscally sound. So rejoice and cook those rice and beans… if the grocery store didn’t run out already. They are, after all, the toilet paper of food.

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