EXT. TOPLESS BAR (’THE GOLDEN GOOSE’)

Seedy as hell. The Camaro roars into the parking lot.

SHEILA: Always wanted to see what goes on inside one a’ these.
KATE: Really? Not a big fucking mystery- losers who can’t get laid.
SHEILA: Well, today’s their lucky day.
KATE: (re: STD’s) Yeah, definitely taking the over.

INT. GOLDEN GOOSE

Even seedier inside: buffet of shitty food and a pool table. Rednecks ogle aging strippers on stage… Kate & Sheila amble in- they’re the only women, so everyone gawks at them… an old waitress picks up empty glasses with her flabby tits.

SHEILA: (re: food) Ooh, look at the spread.
KATE: That’s the shit prisons throw out.
SHEILA: They seem to like it.
Gestures to two guys scarfing down beef stroganoff- it’s Mikey and Brownie. They spot Kate and greet her.
KATE: Ah, Jesus Christ.
MIKEY: What the hell you doin’ here?
KATE: Me? What about you? I’m working, dickhead.
BROWNIE: (titillated) You’re a stripper?
KATE: Goddamn idiots.

Sheila looks Mikey up and down. Yeah, this could work.

SHEILA: Mmm, time for my entree.

BACK ROOM.

Middle-aged women with saggy breasts. Kate holds up an old photo of Nick taken a decade ago (it’s all she has).

KATE:… Anyone know this guy? Seen him around? Imagine him 10 years older.
STRIPPER: Whoa! He did NOT age well.
KATE: You know him?
STRIPPER: Whadda you, his wife?
KATE: God, no! PPD.
STRIPPER: Seen him in here a few times. Quiet type. Loves our chicken parm.
KATE: Well, sure. This place made the Michelin guide, three stars.
STRIPPER: (correcting her) It’s food, honey. Not tires.
KATE: Ever come in with anyone?
STRIPPER: Ugh, don’t get me started… one time he comes in with this black guy. Real charmer, ya know?
KATE: Eddie?
STRIPPER: You slept with him, too?
KATE: Wha- no! You’re really bad at guessing.
STRIPPER:… So I take him back to my place, end up loaning the asshole money. (explaining) He’s got a monster-
KATE: Yeah, yeah, I heard. Go on.
STRIPPER: Yeah, so, he gives me this necklace…
KATE: (thinking it’s cum)… Ohmigod…
STRIPPER:… Collateral, ya know. Says it’s worth like 10 grand or something. Next day? My wrist turns green.
KATE: Know where he lives?
STRIPPER: Just seen him in here.
KATE: Great. Fucking great.

O.s., the DJ spins a new tune: Nelly’s ‘Hot in Herre’

FRONT ROOM.

Sheila throws back a shot with Mikey and Brownie.

SHEILA: Ooh, this is my jam right here!

And RUSHES to the stage, chucking aside the stripper who was supposed to go on-
She twirls around the pole, shaking her ass-
Guys hoot and holler, flinging dollar bills on the stage-
She stuffs the bills in her pocket-
Kate marches out from the back-
Stops in her tracks seeing Sheila.

KATE: Get your ass down here!
SHEILA: What, gonna arrest me? I’m already in jail, bitch!
KATE: Goddammit, don’t fuck with me!
SHEILA: I got me a ‘get outta jail free card!’… get some, Monopoly Man.

Shakes her ass in front of an old, portly pervert with a white mustache and top hat: a modern day Monopoly Man.
Kate leaps up on stage-
The crowd goes WILD, thinking it’s part of the show-
She grabs hold of Sheila, who slaps her hands away-
Kate yanks on her blouse, RIPPING it-
Mikey SPITS the beef stroganoff out of his mouth-
In SLO-MOTION, it flies through the air…
… Lands on a guy’s neck-
He whirls around and PUNCHES Mikey in the face-
Brownie picks up a chair and SMASHES it on the guy’s chest-
On stage, Sheila retaliates and RIPS Kate’s shirt off-
The crowd WHOOPS-
The frail owner calls the cops as fists and chair and food flies! It’s pandemonium-
A redneck cues up a pool stick, then STABS someone with it-
Another guy tries to pick up a table, but throws out his back (it’s nailed to the floor)-
The old waitress cradles a guy’s head, then titty boxes him, a vicious left-right combo-
Kate and Sheila wrestle on stage, rolling around, YANKING off one another’s clothes…
Just then, Andy and Berto dash in- they got the call. They gape in wonderment at all the chaos…
Berto goes to arrest someone, but Andy holds him back. Chill.

ANDY: Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and take a look around once in a while, you could miss it.
BERTO: Ferris Bueller?
ANDY: Second greatest movie ever made.
BERTO: Guess that makes me Cameron.
ANDY: Sure does, buddy. Sure does.

And ducks as a chair SAILS past his head.