Cameron Crowe is a wise man- definitely not a guy (read on)- particularly on the matters of relationships and love. His films are replete with romantic bon mots, yet they rarely dip into the shallow waters of mawkishness. No Capra-corn here, folks… er, not much anyway. Here’s 12 lessons from the romcom master. Learn it, know it, live it as Brad Hamilton advises Spicoli in Fast Times.

1. SAY ANYTHING: The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don’t be a guy.

Yes, they’re similar: three-letter words meaning adults males. But there’s a world of difference between the two, as any woman knows. Men are mature. Responsible. Hunters and gatherers, sure, but also caretakers. Guys are, well, aging frat boys. The closest they’ll ever get to being a man is creating an eponymous cave to watch football while quaffing beers… with other guys, of course.

2. SAY ANYTHING:  I don’t know you very well, you know, but I wanted to ask you – how’d you get Diane Court to go out with you?/I called her up.

A common theme that weaves through Crowe’s movies is the spoils of taking initiative. Fortune favors the bold, as the Latin proverb goes. A more recent iteration of the motivational adage comes from none other than the great Canadian philosopher himself, Mr. Wayne Gretzky: ‘You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.’ Indeed. Lloyd Dobler took a shot and cold called the girl of his dreams. Advice? Listen to the Great One. Make that call.

3. SAY ANYTHING: Did you really come here with Lloyd Dobler? How did that happen?/He made me laugh.

Okay, I’m a little skeptical of this one, though I desperately want it to be true… kinda like a no-carb pizza that, ya know, tastes like actual f’ng pizza. Women always proclaim that a sense of humor is vitally important, though I hate to say, I’d like to take a gander at Gilbert Gottfried’s wife (sorry for the cheap shot, Gil). My politically incorrect point is that the ability to make a woman laugh is nice, but it can’t stand on its own. A sense of humor, alas, must to be combined with looks or money- preferably both. Thankfully for Lloyd, he doesn’t look anything like Mr. Gottfried (apologies again, good sir).

4. SINGLES: Desperation: it’s the world’s worst cologne.

Yes, it’s even more toxic than Drakkar Noir… if that’s even possible. It reeks a country mile and has veto power over all the admirable traits mentioned above. Better a certified geek who looks like Gilbert Gottfried (last dig, I swear) who’s bizarrely confident than a good looking guy who’s, well… creepy. Takeaway here is, there must be something inherently disturbing about you- creepy, good looking guy- if you’re so g-damn desperate.

5. ALMOST FAMOUS: Let’s say all the things we never said.

Precious time, as Van Morrison poignantly sang, is slipping away. I know it sounds cheesy as hell, but there’s no time like the present to tell your partner- heck, friends and family members, too (well, some of ’em)- how much you care.  They could be gone tomorrow.  Today, in fact. Remember: regret is permanent. Embarrassment is temporary.

6. JERRY MAGUIRE: I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is.

Like the NBA draft, potential is a crucial factor in choosing the right partner. Like a caterpillar blossoming into a butterfly, a guy can be transformed into a man with the proper guidance. Perhaps you’re the person- maybe the only person- to bring out this concealed potential. Dorothy Boyd certainly was for his boss. And, in turn, Jerry became a man.

7. JERRY MAGUIRE: Maybe love shouldn’t be such hard work.

It shouldn’t. It should be natural and easy, like a bucolic creek in the woods, water flowing gently over the rocks. If a relationship becomes a daily struggle- if the pain dwarfs the pleasure- take Jordan Peele’s advice and Get Out. Now. Before you become indoctrinated… or, ya know, have your brain cut open.

8. FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH: All right, now pay attention. First of all, Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. ‘Oh, Debbie. Hi.’

If you know the movie, this is the first of five nuggets of advice proffered by Damone, the ticket scalper. The other four are either sexist (‘you always call the shots’) or dated (‘put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV’), so I’ll focus on this one. This is some high school shit to be sure… in 1982, no less. But, yes, hiding your love away as the Beatles sang is a good rule of thumb. I wish this wasn’t the case- much like accepting the fact that decent pizza contains a ton of carbs- but you gotta play the game, you gotta be cool. ‘Specially if your name is Rat.

9. ELIZABETHTOWN: Most of the sex I’ve had in my life was not as personal as that kiss.

Birds do it. Bees do it. Even… whatever the hell the next animal in that stupid song goes. We get it- every dumb animal has sex. But how many primates kiss? Or better yet, make out? Along with the opposable thumb, it’s the thing that makes us human. And kissing is so much more intimate than sex. Not only is it STD free, you don’t hafta make that run to Walgreens a month later for the test strips.

10. WE BOUGHT a ZOO: You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

Another quote worthy of Gretzky. Keep shooting till you score.

11. WE BOUGHT A ZOO: Well, talking to girls is easy. They’ll tell you everything. The secret to talking is listening.

Oldie but goodie. Two ears, one mouth, blah, blah, blah. And you don’t necessarily have to listen, per se, but at least pretend to. Nod a lot, throw in a few hmm-mmm’s and if the situation warrants, take Chris Rock’s advice and toss in ‘I told you that bitch crazy.’ You’re golden.

12. VANILLA SKY: You can do whatever you want with your life, but one day you’ll know what love truly is. It’s the sour and the sweet. And I know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet.

You can’t experience pleasure without having suffered pain. And they’ll be plenty of both in relationships, no matter how long you’ve been together. It’s the yin and yang, the sweet and sour… hmm, they’re both Chinese (well, ‘least the chicken, anyway)…  wait, where was I? Oh, yeah. It’s the knowing and accepting that when shit hits the fan- and it inevitably will- happy days will surely be here again… hopefully without the feces.

* 13 (for Christina). SAY ANYTHING: No one thinks it will work, do they?/No. You described every great success story. As Sinatra crooned, the best is yet to come. Believe.