He bore an uncanny resemblance to Howdy Doody. Freckles dotted his pale face, as if suffering from a perpetual case of measles, only these spots were brown and non-bumpy. His hair, jet black and bristly, like fibers of a steel wool pad, was parted in a style reminiscent of the 1950’s- the decade, ironically, that spawned the TV persona who effectively destroyed his childhood. He was all skin and bones, a skeletal presence lacking even the most rudimentary muscles.

Howdy Doody. The name haunted him. The derivations that followed were no less kind, if truncated. Doody. Doots. Dewey. Every one a shiv jabbed squarely in his Adam’s apple. Of all the knockoffs, ‘Doots’ acquired preferential status as the insult to inflict maximal pain. Any word or phrase with ‘dew’ in it became weaponized. Dewey Decimal System. Dew Point. Mountain Dew. Homonyms worked, too. Dewritos. Mr. Do. Deuteronomy. Taunts flew far and wide, a fusillade of barbs thinly veiled as questions from young, inquisitive minds. What are the names of Donald Duck’s cousins? (Huey, Louie, and Dewey). What’s the longest lasting battery? (Dewracell). What Police song topped the charts in 1980? (De Do Do Do Do, De Da Da Da).

There was no place to hide. Everywhere he went, the ridicule followed, an auditory plague that would torment him all through his teenage years. On the bus, in the hallways, at recess… even in the comfort of his own home, where a bicycle drive-by (Dew-why!) rattled the windows and, more perniciously, his soul. On multiple occasions, his mom, a hefty woman who held the unfortunate position as school lunch lady, interceded, usually with a brusque visit to my parent’s house. My older brother, after all, was an agitator par excellence (as I can personally attest). These interventions with my mother, though, generally concluded with a frosty detente that satisfied no one.

Along with my brother, Ralph was the biggest instigator. And the word ‘big’ fit him as snugly as the denim jacket- adorned with various sized pins of heavy metal bands- that habitually cloaked his oversized torso. Tall and lumpy, the most striking feature was his forehead, the result of a stubborn cowlick that forked his hair like a concrete divider on the highway. Physical features aside, his voice, cartoonishly loud and often obscene, was what you remembered. His bellow of ‘Dew-why!’ assaulted any and all eardrums within a mile radius. He pronounced it with flair, too, a synchronistic, downward thrust of his right arm. ‘Dew-why!’ The target of such a forceful vocal projection would surely be intimidated, if not terrified.

Einstein famously defined insanity as ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ If that’s the case- and there’s no discernible evidence against Al’s maxim- then Doots was downright certifiable. Despite the invariable retreats to his house, he rarely refused an invitation to participate in our activities. Perhaps, he reasoned, this time would be different. That if he kept coming back, eventually we’d accept him. Like Charlie Brown and the football, an eternal hope betrayed his better senses.

Football was an afterschool tradition in the chilly autumn and winter months of eastern Pennsylvania. These pickup games, typically three on three, were held in my backyard. Doots never lasted more than fifteen minutes. A short pass to him- almost always thrown by me, who attempted to maintain a Swiss-style neutrality- resulted in a bone-jarring tackle, often by my brother. Doots would either clench his back, wincing, proclaiming he couldn’t go on, or, if in a feisty mood, spring to his feet, throwing punches. Regardless of his reaction, he would inevitably slog back to his home a few hundred yards away. The game would go on, seamlessly, as if he never participated.

More creatively (and far more nefarious), we crafted ruses for the sole purpose of antagonizing him. A Trivial Pursuit game, for instance, was manipulated to lob a ‘Dewey’ bomb upon the hapless fool. Knowing the participants and seating arrangements in advance, a card containing the word ‘Dew’ was placed strategically in the deck. After a brief round of fielding questions in history and geography, Doots would roll the die and, no matter which category he landed upon, be asked something on the order of: “What’s the fifth book of the Old Testament?” A panoply of snickers belied our sinister intentions. Without bothering to serve up an answer (Dewteronomy), he stalked out of the house, another early departure.

More than the fierce tackles and rigged board games, the cruelest form of our bullying was foisting an ersatz rival upon him. Barry Hausman was short, almost dwarflike, with an unkempt, sandy-haired moptop and thick glasses. He had an unusual habit of biting his knuckles when properly agitated. It was a strange sight to behold: one hand balled in a fist, the other crammed in his mouth. The skin on his left hand was red and broken, a public display of his oral fixation. He was the most unlikely foe to pit against Doots and, thus, all the more humiliating should Barry prove victorious. And with our help, that was all but assured.

There were three fights in all, wholly organized and promoted by my brother and my friends. The venues were, in sequential order: the bus stop, the banks of a nearby pond, and my backyard. The fights had rounds which, naturally, were unevenly timed, depending upon how Barry was faring. The diminutive brawler had us in his corner for tutelage and support; Doots, as always, was on his own. The first two battles were more or less even, neither scoring a knockout. Both combatants straggled away from the proverbial ring, slightly roughed up and fatigued, but incurring no real damage. The third bout, however, proved decisive.

After a lackluster initial round, we advised Barry on his opponent’s vulnerability. Spurred on by our expert counsel, Barry stormed out of the break and tackled Doots to the grass. He slithered and squirmed his way atop Doots’ back, executing the plan without flaw. Barry proceeded to jump on his spine, repeatedly, both knees hammering the fragile bone. Doots wailed and wailed until, mercifully, the fight was called. Barry’s arm was raised in triumph while Doots lurched home, hunched over, both hands wrapped around his back, caressing it. My neighbor called us sadists, a word I wasn’t familiar with at the time. Looking back, though, the term was more than apt. We celebrated Barry’s win, gleefully rehashing every detail of the fight, fully aware that the hefty lunch lady from school would soon pay us a visit.

• Originally published during the heated primary season… and more true today.

In an open letter to Republican primary voters, Stephani Cegielski, Trump’s former communications director, said the former reality star not only didn’t expect to be the nominee- let alone President- but that he never wanted to be. According to Cegielski, his campaign had but one goal: raise Trump’s profile. Now that he’s the front-runner, she claimed, his instinctive desire to win has taken over. While Trump may chalk up her comments as the grumblings of a former employee, they serve as a blueprint for his best case scenario this election season: get screwed in Cleveland.

If Trump somehow reaches the magic 1237 number, he’ll likely get stomped in the general election. Virtually every poll predicts a double-digit Clinton victory, with some forecasting a 20-point thumping. On the electoral map, the Center for Politics at the University of Virginia projects a Clinton landslide, 347 to 191. What’s also likely is that Trump will be blamed for splintering the GOP, a bitter Balkanization that could divide Republicans for years. An even worse scenario for Trump is not quite capturing the necessary delegates, then pleading and posturing until he’s awarded the nomination. Then, with the expected defeat in November, Trump will undoubtedly be vilified by the party- and, far more damaging to the businessman, his brand will have been tarnished.

But what if he somehow beats Hillary? She is, after all, a flawed candidates with unfavorables approaching Trumpian levels of abhorrence. And there’s that cloud of prosecution lingering over her. Well, what if he does win? He’ll learn quickly that being the leader of a country, particularly the most powerful in the world, is far more complex than running a business. You can’t fire those who disagree with you. You’ll have to compromise on issues that you swore you never would. More troubling, you’ll have to make good on all those promises made on the campaign trail: creating jobs, defeating ISIS, deporting illegals, imposing tariffs on China, and, of course, building the wall- and having Mexico pay for it. The odds of President Trump accomplishing all these feats are minimal, to be kind.

No, the best result for Trump is to come perilously close to 1237- one shy would be ideal- and have the rug pulled out beneath him. Let Cruz or Kasich or whomever the establishment anoints get slaughtered in November. Then, whenever the Clinton administration has a setback (and there’s always setbacks), Trump can go on all the talk shows- or heck, even his beloved Twitter- and boast about how much better everything would be if only he were in charge. His platitudes will have the luxury of never being tested. More so, he’ll enjoy the gravitas of being a victim of (in his terms) a political coup. Over the next four years, his supporters will beg him to run, candidates  will seek his endorsement, and the media will clamor for appearances. Trump, in effect, will become a martyr to many folks. And, more importantly, his brand will soar.

Movies have been entrenched in our nation’s zeitgeist since nickelodeons dotted the landscape at the turn of the 20th century. From the first celluloid rag beatifying the works of Chaplin to the latest TMZ reporter chasing down a drunken starlet, the world of cinema has shaped, molded, and often crafted popular culture. Ever since Griffith’s monumental albeit overtly racist oeuvre Birth of a Nation, Hollywood and Washington have been inextricably linked, its relationship waxing and waning over the years depending on the tides of social mores. The grubby milieu of politics wasn’t exposed until the typically mawkish Capra delivered a cynical gem, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, in 1939, a seminal year for film. Like other public figures, politicians have been judged, usually in a negative manner, against their on-screen personas. While many promising Jefferson Smiths have succumbed to the meat grinder of Congressional compromise, less desirable protagonists have had their share of imitators. Clinton was deemed, particularly on far reaches of the AM dial, to be a modern day Elmer Gantry, a slick, silver tongued preacher who eschews the values he proselytizes. Likewise, his successor was likened to the dimwitted Chauncey Gardiner, whose earthy folksiness was mistaken for profundity. As election day looms, the media, which now includes a disturbingly wide assortment of bloggers, is sure to stamp a cinematic simile on the candidates. For your consideration, I’d like to suggest the 1995 thriller Crimson Tide as a exemplary model for the 2008 campaign.

Directed by Tony Scott, Crimson Tide depicts a power struggle between two senior officers aboard a U.S. nuclear submarine that may or may not have been summoned to launch missiles at a suddenly chaotic Russia whose rebel leader, hellbent on terminating his enemies, may or may not have access to the country’s nuclear codes. Ramsey, the crusty, impulsive captain, authorizes a preemptive strike but is denied assent by Hunter, his Harvard educated yet wet behind the ears commanding officer, who happens to be three decades his junior and, oh yes, black. Beyond simple demographics, it’s a classic confrontation between experience and education, force versus diplomacy. In a nutshell, McCain versus Obama.

“Do you think I’m some crazy old coot endangering everyone as I yell yee-haw?”

No one in Washington has been a stronger advocate of aggressive military action in both Iraq and Afghanistan than Senator McCain. Despite his differences with Bush on such issues as tax cuts and campaign finance reform, McCain has become the administration’s mouthpiece for the War on Terror. Not content with maintaining the mission, he upped the ante by calling for additional troops. While the so-called surge undoubtedly has led to a decrease in violence, at least temporarily, his militaristic bent has struck trepidation in voters with a less hawkish stance. For those familiar with the film, you could easily imagine Ramsey, cigar clenched in his teeth, his face crinkled with prolonged laughter, palling around with his fellow officers, crooning “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.” The grizzled captain, in an early scene on the sub, boasted that not only he would have ordered the annihilation of Hiroshima, he would have “dropped the fucker. Twice.” In a similar tone of audacity, McCain declared he wouldn’t mind if troops were stationed in Iraq for one hundred years, let alone fifty. As any military historian can tell you, boldness often deteriorates into recklessness.

“You’re out of your league, Hunter. You’re not ready to make tough decisions.”

A lean resume has always been the albatross nipping at Obama’s vulnerable heel ever since he announced his candidacy one frosty day in Springfield. His work as a community organizer and law professor, along with his lone, truncated term in the US Senate, is hardly a suitable backstory for a Presidential aspirant. Similarly, his cinematic counterpart was awarded a tour of duty on the USS Alabama despite the fact he served only a single stint as commanding officer. While Obama deftly deflected the issue during the primary- though Clinton’s red phone ad still has a lingering effect- you can bet the Swiftboaters now employed in the McCain camp will slice open the wound and, for good measure, dump in the salt. As Captain Ramsey gripes to a loyal subordinate about Hunter: “The closest he’s come to combat is a policy seminar.”

“I’m the captain of this ship. Now shut the fuck up.”

McCain’s prickliness was evident in his first congressional race in ’86, when his Republican challenger suggested he was a carpetbagger. Concerns about his fiery temper were partly to blame for the Straight Talk Express derailing in 2000 when conservative kingmakers, notably Limbaugh and Hannity, questioned the Senator’s mental stability, heaping their support onto the untested governor of Texas. Perhaps worse, at least on a personal level, one of his own, Republican Senator Thad Cochran, expressed worries that his colleague was too erratic, too hotheaded to be commander in chief. A declaration which, knowing the Naval pilot’s insistence on absolute loyalty, must have stung, if not scarred.

By contrast, Obama’s equanimity has been his greatest attribute during the campaign. The image of him picking an imaginary strand of lint off his shoulder provides a portrait of his coolness under fire. Sure, Obama may qualify his remarks, as Ramsey accuses Hunter of doing, but there’s no denying his model temperament, particularly when compared to his crabby opponent. Likewise, the even-keeled Hunter seeks additional information- critical information- before he’s ready to light the match that could very well ignite a global conflagration. More time to obtain more data that leads to a more informed decision. A rational approach, to be sure, one that parallels the reasoning behind the inspection of Iraqi weaponry and, later, Obama’s objection to the invasion.

“The Lipizzan stallions are the most highly trained horses in the world. They’re all white.”

There’s no discounting the importance of race in this historic campaign. Obama addressed the complex issue in a courageous, if not necessary, speech, simultaneously broadening minds and, vastly more importantly to his campaign, soothing fears. While virtually all poll respondents deny that race will have an impact on their votes, anyone familiar with the Bradley effect has wisely adopted a cautionary approach. Like Obama, Hunter seems to have transcended race, blending seamlessly into a (subterranean) world that is nearly as white as its uniforms. McCain, for his part, has steered clear of these murky waters. Considering his party busting move to the left on immigration, McCain may be viewed as much a compassionate conservative as he is a maverick. It is a stubborn fact, however- and stubbornness in McCain is more than a passing streak- that he once voted against establishing a holiday for Martin Luther King, Jr. In later years, he regretted the vote, much like Ramsey, at the film’s conclusion, conceding the fact that he was, indeed, wrong. After all, the horses may be white, but, as Hunter declares, they were born black.

If the election follows script, Obama’s cool-headedness will win the day, retiring McCain to the Arizona sunset, and, in the process, tightening the knot between Washington and Hollywood. Much like Hunter, now in charge of the USS Alabama, Obama will have to lead our nation against an avalanche of adversity, both foreign and domestic. We can only hope- and hope is what will have propelled him to the Oval Office- that he isn’t out of his league and that he’s ready to make the tough decisions.

• published April 26, 2017 during the heated primary season

As I watched the cinematic gem Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (for at least the fifth time), I couldn’t help but ruminate on the similarities- and stark differences- between Jefferson Smith and Donald Trump, two neophytes thrust into the grimy muck of big league politics. They both face a world in turmoil. At the time of the classic film, Hitler threatens to conquer Europe, if not the world. Seventy-seven years later, the malignant forces are more varied and complex, but at least as dangerous. Likewise, the corruption that Smith encounters in the halls of the U.S. Senate is hardly dissimilar to the moneyed interests that dominate today’s political landscape. Jim Taylor, the fat cat calling the shots for Smith, is a black and white precursor to our current oligarchy, where a handful of billionaires drown their favorite candidates with endless buckets of cash.

Circumstances aside, the candidates themselves could not be any more different. While Jefferson, a starry-eyed idealist, was appointed to a Senate seat as a so-called stooge, Trump barreled his way to the top of the GOP class, all bombast and bluster, trampling everything in his path. Smith speaks of lost causes, loving thy neighbor, and ‘plain, ordinary kindness.’ Trump, on the other hand, declares Mexicans to be rapists and that Muslims should be banned, among his litany of insults and crude proclamations. And while Smith fights the good fight- he proposes to build a camp for kids- Trump promises to construct a wall. Smith’s a wounded lamb ambling naively into a den of starved lions. His secretary pleads with him: “Why don’t you go home? This is no place for you- you’re halfway decent.” Contrary to the Capra character, Trump has not only had little difficulty adapting to his new environment, he’s beating the pros at their own game. In fact, if there’s a cinematic equivalent to Trump’s ascension in an alternate field, it’s Chili Palmer, a loan shark turned Hollywood producer, in Get Shorty.

When Chili tells his loan shark buddy that he’s going into the movie business- “I’m thinking about producing”- his friend says, “What the fuck do you know about making movies?” Chili replies, “I don’t think the producer has to know much.” Indeed. Trump’s knowledge of policy, both foreign and domestic, is alarmingly suspect, even after eight months on the campaign trail. His speeches are largely composed of platitudes and blind assurances (‘Believe me, it’ll be great’), declarations typical of a teenager running for class president, not the highest office in the land. Regardless, much like Chili producing a movie with limited know-how, Trump’s the presumptive nominee. As Chili states, “I’m not gonna say any more than I have to, if that.”

“I can’t believe the way you do business out here. I can’t believe how fucked up your organization is.” You could imagine Trump saying this about the broken political system in general or, more specifically, about his rivals’ bloated campaigns. Take Jeb (!), for example. His campaign, coupled with his Super PAC Right to Rise, spent $130 million for what amounted to four delegates. After Bush quit the race, the modern day Jim Taylor’s threw their considerable weight behind his fellow Floridian, saturating the airwaves with anti-Trump ads. All to little effect. Rubio lost his home state by almost 20 points and suspended his campaign. Despite his inexperience, the businessman, much like the former loan shark, is showing the establishment how to get things done. When questioned on his credibility, Chili boasts, in his most alpha male voice: “I’m the guy telling you the way it is.”

“Rough business, this movie business. I’m gonna have to go back to loan-sharking just to take a rest.” Though Trump has chiseled out a clear path to the party’s nomination, he’s been bloodied and battered along the way (much, alas, like some protesters at his events). Rubio roughed him up a month ago, attacking his credentials as a businessman- and personal endowments- calling him a con artist. Cruz asserts he’s not a conservative; on some issues, in fact, he’s downright liberal. And those are the genteel jabs. Other political figures have deemed Trump a madman, a racist, and a misogynist. The media has jumped into the fray, as well, suddenly critical of the boorish creature they helped create. Still, Trump keeps forging ahead, seemingly impervious to all the backlash. Chili Palmer, for one, would be proud. When an imposing figure in Hollywood, trying to ascertain exactly how Chili fits into the power structure, asks: “You must bring something heavy to the deal.” Chili responds, “I do: me.” Trump would crack a knowing smile.

He bore an uncanny resemblance to Howdy Doody. Freckles dotted his pale face, as if suffering from a perpetual case of measles, only these spots were brown and non-bumpy. His hair, jet black and bristly, like fibers of a steel wool pad, was parted in a style reminiscent of the 1950’s- the decade, ironically, that spawned the TV persona who effectively destroyed his childhood. He was all skin and bones, a skeletal presence lacking even the most rudimentary muscles.

Howdy Doody. The name haunted him. The derivations that followed were no less kind, if truncated. Doody. Doots. Dewey. Every one a shiv jabbed squarely in his Adam’s apple. Of all the knockoffs, ‘Doots’ acquired preferential status as the insult to inflict maximal pain. Any word or phrase with ‘dew’ in it became weaponized. Dewey Decimal System. Dew Point. Mountain Dew. Homonyms worked, too. Dewritos. Mr. Do. Deuteronomy. Taunts flew far and wide, a fusillade of barbs thinly veiled as questions from young, inquisitive minds. What are the names of Donald Duck’s cousins? (Huey, Louie, and Dewey). What’s the longest lasting battery? (Dewracell). What Police song topped the charts in 1980? (De Do Do Do Do, De Da Da Da).

There was no place to hide. Everywhere he went, the ridicule followed, an auditory plague that would torment him all through his teenage years. On the bus, in the hallways, at recess… even in the comfort of his own home, where a bicycle drive-by (Dew-why!) rattled the windows and, more perniciously, his soul. On multiple occasions, his mom, a hefty woman who held the unfortunate position as school lunch lady, interceded, usually with a brusque visit to my parent’s house. My older brother, after all, was an agitator par excellence (as I can personally attest). These interventions with my mother, though, generally concluded with a frosty detente that satisfied no one.

Along with my brother, Ralph was the biggest instigator. And the word ‘big’ fit him as snugly as the denim jacket- adorned with various sized pins of heavy metal bands- that habitually cloaked his oversized torso. Tall and lumpy, the most striking feature was his forehead, the result of a stubborn cowlick that forked his hair like a concrete divider on the highway. Physical features aside, his voice, cartoonishly loud and often obscene, was what you remembered. His bellow of ‘Dew-why!’ assaulted any and all eardrums within a mile radius. He pronounced it with flair, too, a synchronistic, downward thrust of his right arm. ‘Dew-why!’ The target of such a forceful vocal projection would surely be intimidated, if not terrified.

Einstein famously defined insanity as ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’ If that’s the case- and there’s no discernible evidence against Al’s maxim- then Doots was downright certifiable. Despite the invariable retreats to his house, he rarely refused an invitation to participate in our activities. Perhaps, he reasoned, this time would be different. That if he kept coming back, eventually we’d accept him. Like Charlie Brown and the football, an eternal hope betrayed his better senses.

Football was an afterschool tradition in the chilly autumn and winter months of eastern Pennsylvania. These pickup games, typically three on three, were held in my backyard. Doots never lasted more than fifteen minutes. A short pass to him- almost always thrown by me, who attempted to maintain a Swiss-style neutrality- resulted in a bone-jarring tackle, often by my brother. Doots would either clench his back, wincing, proclaiming he couldn’t go on, or, if in a feisty mood, spring to his feet, throwing punches. Regardless of his reaction, he would inevitably slog back to his home a few hundred yards away. The game would go on, seamlessly, as if he never participated.

More creatively (and far more nefarious), we crafted ruses for the sole purpose of antagonizing him. A Trivial Pursuit game, for instance, was manipulated to lob a ‘Dewey’ bomb upon the hapless fool. Knowing the participants and seating arrangements in advance, a card containing the word ‘Dew’ was placed strategically in the deck. After a brief round of fielding questions in history and geography, Doots would roll the die and, no matter which category he landed upon, be asked something on the order of: “What’s the fifth book of the Old Testament?” A panoply of snickers belied our sinister intentions. Without bothering to serve up an answer (Dewteronomy), he stalked out of the house, another early departure.

More than the fierce tackles and rigged board games, the cruelest form of our bullying was foisting an ersatz rival upon him. Barry Hausman was short, almost dwarflike, with an unkempt, sandy-haired moptop and thick glasses. He had an unusual habit of biting his knuckles when properly agitated. It was a strange sight to behold: one hand balled in a fist, the other crammed in his mouth. The skin on his left hand was red and broken, a public display of his oral fixation. He was the most unlikely foe to pit against Doots and, thus, all the more humiliating should Barry prove victorious. And with our help, that was all but assured.

There were three fights in all, wholly organized and promoted by my brother and my friends. The venues were, in sequential order: the bus stop, the banks of a nearby pond, and my backyard. The fights had rounds which, naturally, were unevenly timed, depending upon how Barry was faring. The diminutive brawler had us in his corner for tutelage and support; Doots, as always, was on his own. The first two battles were more or less even, neither scoring a knockout. Both combatants straggled away from the proverbial ring, slightly roughed up and fatigued, but incurring no real damage. The third bout, however, proved decisive.

After a lackluster initial round, we advised Barry on his opponent’s vulnerability. Spurred on by our expert counsel, Barry stormed out of the break and tackled Doots to the grass. He slithered and squirmed his way atop Doots’ back, executing the plan without flaw. Barry proceeded to jump on his spine, repeatedly, both knees hammering the fragile bone. Doots wailed and wailed until, mercifully, the fight was called. Barry’s arm was raised in triumph while Doots lurched home, hunched over, both hands wrapped around his back, caressing it. My neighbor called us sadists, a word I wasn’t familiar with at the time. Looking back, though, the term was more than apt. We celebrated Barry’s win, gleefully rehashing every detail of the fight, fully aware that the hefty lunch lady from school would soon pay us a visit.

Movies have been entrenched in our nation’s zeitgeist since nickelodeons dotted the landscape at the turn of the 20th century. From the first celluloid rag beatifying the works of Chaplin to the latest TMZ reporter chasing down a drunken starlet, the world of cinema has shaped, molded, and often crafted popular culture. Ever since Griffith’s monumental albeit overtly racist oeuvre Birth of a Nation, Hollywood and Washington have been inextricably linked, its relationship waxing and waning over the years depending on the tides of social mores. The grubby milieu of politics wasn’t exposed until the typically mawkish Capra delivered a cynical gem, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, in 1939, a seminal year for film. Like other public figures, politicians have been judged, usually in a negative manner, against their on-screen personas. While many promising Jefferson Smiths have succumbed to the meat grinder of Congressional compromise, less desirable protagonists have had their share of imitators. Clinton was deemed, particularly on far reaches of the AM dial, to be a modern day Elmer Gantry, a slick, silver tongued preacher who eschews the values he proselytizes. Likewise, his successor was likened to the dimwitted Chauncey Gardiner, whose earthy folksiness was mistaken for profundity. As election day looms, the media, which now includes a disturbingly wide assortment of bloggers, is sure to stamp a cinematic simile on the candidates. For your consideration, I’d like to suggest the 1995 thriller Crimson Tide as a exemplary model for the 2008 campaign.

Directed by Tony Scott, Crimson Tide depicts a power struggle between two senior officers aboard a U.S. nuclear submarine that may or may not have been summoned to launch missiles at a suddenly chaotic Russia whose rebel leader, hellbent on terminating his enemies, may or may not have access to the country’s nuclear codes. Ramsey, the crusty, impulsive captain, authorizes a preemptive strike but is denied assent by Hunter, his Harvard educated yet wet behind the ears commanding officer, who happens to be three decades his junior and, oh yes, black. Beyond simple demographics, it’s a classic confrontation between experience and education, force versus diplomacy. In a nutshell, McCain versus Obama.

“Do you think I’m some crazy old coot endangering everyone as I yell yee-haw?”

No one in Washington has been a stronger advocate of aggressive military action in both Iraq and Afghanistan than Senator McCain. Despite his differences with Bush on such issues as tax cuts and campaign finance reform, McCain has become the administration’s mouthpiece for the War on Terror. Not content with maintaining the mission, he upped the ante by calling for additional troops. While the so-called surge undoubtedly has led to a decrease in violence, at least temporarily, his militaristic bent has struck trepidation in voters with a less hawkish stance. For those familiar with the film, you could easily imagine Ramsey, cigar clenched in his teeth, his face crinkled with prolonged laughter, palling around with his fellow officers, crooning “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.” The grizzled captain, in an early scene on the sub, boasted that not only he would have ordered the annihilation of Hiroshima, he would have “dropped the fucker. Twice.” In a similar tone of audacity, McCain declared he wouldn’t mind if troops were stationed in Iraq for one hundred years, let alone fifty. As any military historian can tell you, boldness often deteriorates into recklessness.

“You’re out of your league, Hunter. You’re not ready to make tough decisions.”

A lean resume has always been the albatross nipping at Obama’s vulnerable heel ever since he announced his candidacy one frosty day in Springfield. His work as a community organizer and law professor, along with his lone, truncated term in the US Senate, is hardly a suitable backstory for a Presidential aspirant. Similarly, his cinematic counterpart was awarded a tour of duty on the USS Alabama despite the fact he served only a single stint as commanding officer. While Obama deftly deflected the issue during the primary- though Clinton’s red phone ad still has a lingering effect- you can bet the Swiftboaters now employed in the McCain camp will slice open the wound and, for good measure, dump in the salt. As Captain Ramsey gripes to a loyal subordinate about Hunter: “The closest he’s come to combat is a policy seminar.”

“I’m the captain of this ship. Now shut the fuck up.”

McCain’s prickliness was evident in his first congressional race in ’86, when his Republican challenger suggested he was a carpetbagger. Concerns about his fiery temper were partly to blame for the Straight Talk Express derailing in 2000 when conservative kingmakers, notably Limbaugh and Hannity, questioned the Senator’s mental stability, heaping their support onto the untested governor of Texas. Perhaps worse, at least on a personal level, one of his own, Republican Senator Thad Cochran, expressed worries that his colleague was too erratic, too hotheaded to be commander in chief. A declaration which, knowing the Naval pilot’s insistence on absolute loyalty, must have stung, if not scarred.

By contrast, Obama’s equanimity has been his greatest attribute during the campaign. The image of him picking an imaginary strand of lint off his shoulder provides a portrait of his coolness under fire. Sure, Obama may qualify his remarks, as Ramsey accuses Hunter of doing, but there’s no denying his model temperament, particularly when compared to his crabby opponent. Likewise, the even-keeled Hunter seeks additional information- critical information- before he’s ready to light the match that could very well ignite a global conflagration. More time to obtain more data that leads to a more informed decision. A rational approach, to be sure, one that parallels the reasoning behind the inspection of Iraqi weaponry and, later, Obama’s objection to the invasion.

“The Lipizzan stallions are the most highly trained horses in the world. They’re all white.”

There’s no discounting the importance of race in this historic campaign. Obama addressed the complex issue in a courageous, if not necessary, speech, simultaneously broadening minds and, vastly more importantly to his campaign, soothing fears. While virtually all poll respondents deny that race will have an impact on their votes, anyone familiar with the Bradley effect has wisely adopted a cautionary approach. Like Obama, Hunter seems to have transcended race, blending seamlessly into a (subterranean) world that is nearly as white as its uniforms. McCain, for his part, has steered clear of these murky waters. Considering his party busting move to the left on immigration, McCain may be viewed as much a compassionate conservative as he is a maverick. It is a stubborn fact, however- and stubbornness in McCain is more than a passing streak- that he once voted against establishing a holiday for Martin Luther King, Jr. In later years, he regretted the vote, much like Ramsey, at the film’s conclusion, conceding the fact that he was, indeed, wrong. After all, the horses may be white, but, as Hunter declares, they were born black.

If the election follows script, Obama’s cool-headedness will win the day, retiring McCain to the Arizona sunset, and, in the process, tightening the knot between Washington and Hollywood. Much like Hunter, now in charge of the USS Alabama, Obama will have to lead our nation against an avalanche of adversity, both foreign and domestic. We can only hope- and hope is what will have propelled him to the Oval Office- that he isn’t out of his league and that he’s ready to make the tough decisions.

The bus sputtered down Almond Drive, farting out all sorts of grunts and wheezes. She was an old girl, all right, number 66. Even older than Bill himself, our silver-haired driver. He was retired, years removed from another career, another life. But this was no way to spend the golden years. Carting around a bunch of peckerheads, glaring steely-eyed through the rearview mirror, barking at ‘em to ‘keep your hands inside!’ and ‘knock it off!’ Poor bastard. Probably stews on the fact he should have chosen a better line of work the first go round. Probably yearns to ram this yellow bucket into the nearest pond, take us down with him. After all, we didn’t know the horrors of the world. We didn’t know the pain… but hold on- wait… why let the lil’ weasels check out on a high note? Fuck ‘em. Let ‘em grow old, they’ll see. They’ll see for themselves. He snickered, pleased with his latest thought. So pleased he nearly barreled through the stop sign at the bottom of the hill.

My head jerked forward, slamming into the thin, green seat in front of me. I’m sure the old sonofabitch snickered again, despite suffering whiplash himself. I’ll take ’em down with me. But all I heard was the whoosh, the airy sound of the doors, those twin portals of freedom, spreading wide its rubber coated wings. Whoosh. I imagine that’s the sound the heavenly gates make when they welcome in the latest inductee.

I scurried down the aisle, weaving past slower, less motivated students, a tailback hitting the hole. For some reason, they didn’t share my haste. Didn’t they know this was the first Monday of the month? That a teacher’s conference closed down the school an hour early? That it’s now 2:15 instead of 3:15?… They knew. Of course they knew. They just didn’t have anything to do, that’s all. Nothing important, anyway. They were merely grateful for the truncated schedule, a reprieve from that dreaded last hour of class when the clock all but freezes. No, they’d be content to fritter away the early dismissal with cartoons or video games. That’s what ten-year-olds do (well, at least they did in 1983, the time of this story). Most of them, anyway. My friends and I were more prudent. We knew there was only one way to milk the bonus frame.

Channel 27. Just the mention of it sounds dirty. Filthy. Not be uttered in respective company. The local TV guide labeled it ‘gaiety/nudity.’ Thankfully, I never saw any evidence of ‘gaiety,’ but there sure was an abundance of the latter. And I’m not talking teasing glimpses of flesh, a sliver of breast here, a slice of bush there. I’m talking porn, raw and nasty, pumped right into split-level suburbia, behind all those picket fences. As I later discovered, my town in eastern Pennsylvania was only one of two in the entire country whose basic cable package included the hard stuff. There it was, pornography, a third class citizen, sharing the stage with the HBO’s and ESPN’s of the world, mingling freely, without discrimination, without barriers. It was beautiful.

Like any good thing, though, there were limits. Actual content aired just three times a day: one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and nine at night. The rest of the schedule was slated for snow, the salt and peppery kind with the ear piercing hum. For me, the late night viewing was out of the question. There was simply no justification for sneaking downstairs at that hour, especially with the creaky steps alerting my every footfall. I suppose Christmas morning would provide a plausible excuse, but that’s hardly the time to indulge in prepubescent fantasies. So the 1 a.m. show was out. So, too, was the nine o’clock feature. That was prime time, a slot reserved for mainstream fare, be it a sitcom, drama, or, Monday nights in the fall, a football game. Not that I would choose any of those options over porn. I wouldn’t. But there was only one cable box in the house and my mom had veto power. This was her time to unwind, to ‘catch up’ on her shows. None of these, to my knowledge, included the slightest hint of anal penetration. God help me if they did.

That left the matinee. For nine months a year, school precluded this option. The presence of my parents ruled out any weekend viewing. The lone shot we had was early dismissal. Occasionally, a snowstorm did the trick. Problem was, if the conditions were severe enough, my mother would skip work (my dad, never) and stay at home. Besides, if there was ample snow on the ground, other activities like tobogganing or ice hockey or even a good snowball fight took precedence. After all, we were kids. Only on the first Monday of the month did we act otherwise.

By the time Ralph dawdled into the house, we were already hunkered down in our positions. They were as natural and irrevocable to us as the seating arrangement in class. Ruch stood a few feet from the TV, clenching the remote, his trigger quick fingers on the ready. His main duty was to bury evidence if enemy troops should ambush. His more immediate function was to handle volume control, boosting the soft ahhhs and tempering the shrill uggghs. He had a certain talent for it.

Jeff, Raab, and I shared the couch while Chad, my next door neighbor, knelt down in the corner of the living room. This unusual stance served two functions: first, it gave him an advantage should he be forced to flee; second, and far more importantly, it concealed his erection. For the rest of us, a strategically placed throw pillow on the crotch did the trick. Of course, we’d never admit to having a boner, let alone covering one up. You’d think it’d only be humiliating if you didn’t have one, but that rationale never seeped into our collective minds. An erection was our scarlet letter, a damning  sign not of moral turpitude, but of weakness. Plain, utter weakness. And to a fourth grader, there was nothing worse than that.

The blonde cheerleader whipped off her blue and white skirt- so casual, so quick- and tossed it aside. There was nothing underneath. Just a triangle, a splotch of dark brown hair… huh, that’s weird. Yellow on top, brown below. I was perplexed, baffled by the mysteries of adulthood. I knew I wasn’t the only one stung by this enigma, but naturally, no one uttered a word. Ignorance of such matters fell just beneath weakness on the wuss scale.

The guy’s head was right smack in the triangle, obliterating it. His tongue was going to town, left, right, north, south, an alley cat lapping a saucer of fresh milk. What in the world’s down there? Must be good, whatever it is. Look at him go! Bet it tastes like chocolate down there. Vanilla, actually. Leave chocolate for the black girls. Hey, maybe different girls had different flavors. How cool would that be! Sample ‘em all. All- wait, that’s a lot of flavors. Way too many. I mean, geez, just the Chinese alone…

The cheerleader was emitting strange noises, as if she was in pain. Was that creep hurting her? Cancel that, she just smiled. She likes it! Now she’s asking- Christ, begging!- for more. Deeper, harder. Man, oh man, I never carried on like that before, not even when the Phillies won the World Series. Would I ever? You know, now that I look at him, the guy, he’s kind of pudgy. Sorta ugly, too, with that potbelly and that bushy mustache. And old. Older than my dad even. I could get a hotter girl than that, I’m sure. When I get the chance I’m gonna do this every freakin’ day. You watch.

I heard the crunch. The sound of tires rolling over pebbles. I had the only driveway in the neighborhood that wasn’t covered with macadam- just loose stones, millions of ‘em. But I wasn’t complaining, far from it. For once, my dad’s cheapness paid off. The crunch was our alarm system, tried and true.

Chad sprung to his feet with military quickness. Ruch flicked the channel. The moans morphed into mild applause, the cheerleader to a cowboy, the locker room to a rodeo pit (these were the early days of ESPN when third tier sports dominated the programming schedule).

“Jesus Christ! It’s just someone turning around,” Ralph said, his right hand buried deep in a bag of knockoff Doritos. The cessation of the crunch confirmed Ralph was right. But paranoia had not just become an accepted mindset, it was de riguer. Fact of the matter was we couldn’t take any chances. Not anymore, not after the incident. Last summer, on a muggy August afternoon, Jeff and I got busted.

My mom was in the kitchen, chopping carrots for some sort of Hungarian stew. Jeff and I were down in the living room, sprawled out on the carpet, a few feet in front of the TV. We had grown so comfortable, so brazen in partaking of our sinful habit, we deemed ourselves impervious to capture. The culprit was Candie Goes to Hollywood. Sweet, sweet Candie, fresh in town to pursue an acting career. And those scummy producers with the potbellies and bushy mustaches. They didn’t deserve her… her and those tanned legs… those perky tits… that holy triangle. Deeper, harder, indeed.

The stairs creaked. Jeff shot me a look. Quick, quick. I should have clicked the remote. But I stalled. Not out of panic, but pride. Stupid, stupid pride. I waited for one more pelvic thrust, one more oh, god! Only when my mom’s red socks were in plain view did I change the channel. I punched two buttons, the first two my fingers found. There were so many goddamn stations, even in 1983, surely I’d land on one.

A buzz blasted out of the TV. The screen, black and white. “I know what you’re watching,” my mom said. My twitchy fingers punched two more keys. A louder hum. I made the mistake of looking up. Her face was wrangled in an expression of motherly angst that I’d never seen before.

“I’m telling dad.”

“What?” I replied weakly. I was doomed. I knew it. Jeff knew it. My mom sure as hell knew it. But my pride, the guilty party itself, wouldn’t allow such an abject surrender.

I flicked on ABC’s Wide World of Sports, then cranked up the volume. Two seconds later, I switched back to the dead channel- on purpose. My hope was that my mother would hear the hum and think, ah, so that’s it. He’s not a pervert, bless his heart. He’s just bad with the remote. My whole case rested on it.

Jeff and I suffered no recriminations. Not because I duped my mom or because she held her tongue. No such luck, on both counts. The truth was my parents weren’t comfortable discussing the issue. Son, what you were watching was naughty. My dad would never utter those words, not in a thousand years. He just wasn’t the type. Laborers in cement plants usually aren’t. He wasn’t one to dish out fatherly platitudes, never gave me the talk. Once, in high school, he broke the usual silence at the dinner table by saying, “I don’t wanna hear about you using drugs.” He even pointed his fork when he said it. But that was it, that was his big speech. It took less than three seconds.

While I escaped punishment, the remote control wasn’t so fortunate. The first victim was the number 7. It was yanked out like a rotten bicuspid. This cruel act of vengeance proved feckless. All we had to do now was press 26, then the + key. Voila! Porn again, naturally. My dad was no fool, he knew. A week later he sentenced another key to its death, rooting out the 2. We were not deterred. Like any criminal worth his salt, we discovered the loophole: hit 30, then the – button. No one could keep Candie from us, not without a bare knuckled brawl. My father, though, was a determined foe. I imagined him lying in bed, conjuring up ways to keep his son and his band of misfits from viewing the filth. Not tonight, hon, I’m plotting.

A couple of days later, he struck back- with Sicilian gusto- whacking those under appreciated, oh-so-handy buttons, the + and the -. I hated to see them go. But what I really hated was the way the remote looked, like a wounded soldier returning from an unpopular war. A cripple. With four missing limbs. It didn’t deserve such a fate, it never did anything to nobody. An innocent victim caught in the crossfire, in a battle of wits between a cop and a thief, a father and a son. And whenever there’s battlefield casualties, the question must inevitably be raised, to what end? To what purpose? Okay, so the remote was rendered useless. So what? Now we’d just use the buttons on the actual cable box, the way old timers used to, the way Bill probably still does. War, war, what is it good for?

It was difficult to believe my father, a veteran of the United States Navy, failed to foresee this simplistic fix. I mean, what was he going to do next? Tear out the buttons on top of the box? Christ. The question I really wanted to ask- the question I’d pay good money to have answered- was what did the guests think when they glimpsed the remote? What if they actually had to use it? How would my parents explain that? Somehow, I don’t think it would involve the truth.

I’m coming! I’m coming! The pudgy guy was really giving it to the cheerleader, plunging in and out, faster and faster, and, yes, harder and deeper. She was convulsing. And so were we. The worst part of being aroused was the indeterminate length of the boner. I couldn’t just make it go away. And the concept of masturbation was a hazy one at best. All I knew about the subject was that weren’t supposed to do it, that you’d either go blind or go to Hell, possibly both… Do all blind people go to Hell? Does God assume you got that way whacking off? Nah, he would know. He has to, he’s God, for Christ- no, blind people go to heaven, I’m sure of it. They may not see the pearly gates, but they couldn’t miss the sound. Whoosh.

I didn’t hear the crunch. None us of did. Not even Chad, our trusted scout. The moans and the shrieks and the oh, god!’s drowned out everything but our lusty visions. That’ll be me one day. You watch. The pudgy guy stroked his penis up and down, madly, a thousand strokes a second. Then, all of a sudden, a geyser of white stuff, this milky juice, spewed forth. The gunk sprayed everywhere, a busted fire hydrant, raining all over her tits, her face, her hair, that mane of dark hair. She dipped her index finger in a puddle of the juice and licked it. Whoa! What does that taste like?

The garage door chg-chg-chugged open, the sound a roller coaster makes inching up a steep incline. Chad fired to his feet, boner be damned. He tried to appear innocent, but fear pockmarked his face. It was as noticeable as a full blown case of chicken pox. Ruch switched stations. Till next month, cheerleader. I flung aside the pillow- evidence?- while Ralph licked the orange dust off his fingers, not a care in the world.

My mom shuffled through the door. Halfway through, she froze. Her eyes drank in the scene, sifting through the evidence: six kids, lounging around the living room… at this hour, a school hour… watching, of all things, a rodeo.

“Hi, Mrs. Sywensky,” Ruch said, in a singsong voice.

She eyed him impishly. “Mister Ruch.” She glanced at the mutilated remote in his hand, then marched across the carpet, up the stairs, out of sight. Gone. Did she know? There was no hard evidence, I was sure of that. Only circumstantial. I knew the alibi didn’t help. I mean, yeah, we were sports fans, but a rodeo? Besides, all she has to do is suspect we were watching it. ‘Beyond a reasonable doubt’ held no water, not in this house, not when you’re on probation- porn probation, no less. I wondered what my dad’s next move would be…

I’ll bet he gets rid of the whole damn thing. Bust the cursed box into shrapnel. He’d do it, all right. Even though I’m sure he’s no stranger to Channel 27 himself. Probably knows all about Candie and the cheerleader and that pudgy guy with the mustache. Still, he’d chuck it. Just to spite us, just to win the war. Take us down with him. That’s what Bill would do.

I spent the afternoon drinking with two young Republicans, perhaps the only lingering Bushites who didn’t bail town that historic- and brutally cold- day 8 years ago. We were hunkered down at a Holiday Inn bar, a mile or so away from the massive throng of people congregating at the National Mall, watching (or, more likely, listening to) Obama being sworn in. They were in their early 20’s, Evan and Rachel, two out of work staffers, more disconcerted over the fact W. couldn’t run for a third term than McCain- a less than staunch conservative- failing to win the election. Watching the small TV behind the bar, they jeered at our new President as he delivered his speech. I admonished the millennials (I was a decade older, in my 30’s), proclaiming that this was Obama’s day and they should respect the process- and, in turn, democracy. They grumbled into their beers, obliging, perhaps, because I bought had the pints.

I arrived in Washington as dawn broke, a brilliant reddish-orange sunrise providing a worthy backdrop for the momentous event. The Greyhound bus left New York City sometime after midnight. Though I waited in line for over an hour, I deemed myself fortunate to make the cut, considering the slew of disappointed ticket holders left behind in Port Authority. The five hour bus ride was one of unmitigated joy. The sixty or so passengers- mostly black, mostly young- shared food, swapped stories, and belted out songs of hope and victory.  An overwhelming sense of pride swelled inside me- a feeling that hasn’t been duplicated since, and likely never will.

I had no concept of what a million people looked like. Few, I imagine, do. The largest crowd I had ever seen was 100,000 or so at the annual UCLA-USC football game. At least ten times that number flocked to D.C. that bone chilling day. And, unlike the collegiate turf war in Los Angeles, there was no division of partisanship in this gathering. As I strolled towards the Capitol with the rest of the herd, passing a multitude of vendors hawking everything from hot chocolate to bumper stickers, anxiety coursed through my body. Despite the wondrous bonhomie that electrified the air, it was far too much stimuli to handle, particularly for one prone to crippling panic attacks.

The tunnel that led towards the Capitol was already clogged with an impenetrable cluster of happy, smiling faces- all ages, all races- some chanting, some singing. Not wanting to be trapped in the burgeoning crowd, I stood atop a five-feet wall outside the entryway. From every direction, swarms of pedestrians, thousands and thousands of ’em, streamed towards the Capitol, a never ending flow. Perched on an elevated platform, alone, eyes soaking in the majestic scene, more than a few participants thought I was a cop (or FBI agent), searching for troublemakers. When I politely refused their invitations to join them in the celebration, their suspicions were seemingly confirmed. But there was no way I was going to thrust myself into that claustrophobic horde of bodies, no matter how harmonious- in the bitter cold, no less. History took a backseat to pragmatism. I hopped off the wall, burrowed through the crowd- a salmon going against a fierce current- and, like any anxiety-riddled traveler, went searching for the nearest bar.

By the time the speech was over, Evan and Rachel were good and drunk. They dropped their partisan angst and gave into the weightiness of the moment. Engaging in jocular banter, I asked Evan to name three accomplishments of the Bush administration. Hard pressed to find an answer- to be fair, the alcohol had taken effect- he slurred that ‘Bush wasn’t a racist,’ an indirect reference, I suppose, for his aid package to Africa. When the karaoke began, he became loud and boisterous. So much so, the bouncer (yes, the Holiday Inn had a bouncer that day) kicked him out. With Rachel’s prodding, I lobbied on his behalf. Maybe because he considered me a responsible adult- I was mistaken for many erroneous attributes that day- the bouncer grudgingly allowed Evan back inside.

An hour later, thoroughly intoxicated, it was time to say goodbye to my new friends- we said we’d keep in touch, but, naturally, never did- leaving Rachel in charge of Evan’s supervision. I stumbled out of the bar and staggered back towards the bus station. I had to catch the 6 o’clock Greyhound to Philly, where I would fly back to Los Angeles. Tramping through the frigid conditions as dusk settled in, I was comforted by the notion that I had witnessed, firsthand, a glorious piece of American history, even if it was at a third-rate hotel with a couple of Obama haters.

We weren’t there by choice. Naively, I thought no one was. That everyone was forced to be there. I mean, why would anyone choose to spend their time listening to a bunch of strangers pour out their sad lil’ hearts? In the musty basement of a church, no less. No, they had to be like us, ordered by the court.

A cop pulled us over in Newport Beach. We were 19 years old, on spring break, cruising the strip. Jeff and Neil were visiting from Pennsylvania; I was a sophomore at UC Riverside. I forgot exactly why we were stopped, but empty beer cans littered the floor of the rental car. Thankfully Jeff, our driver, wasn’t drunk. He was cited, though, for open container. His punishment was to attend four AA meetings, a fair penalty I must admit. After all, we were poor college students who would be hard pressed to cough up a fine, no matter how nominal.

Three months later, Jeff had still not gone to any meetings. He had one week left or face possible jail time. Jeff was always a shy kid, a passive sort. I knew it was up to me to take action. I was home for the summer, toiling as a laborer in a cement plant to pay for school. I called around for local meetings- this was the early 90’s, before the internet- and, much to my surprise, found plenty to choose from. Neil and I would accompany Jeff to all four gatherings, knowing damn well he wouldn’t go alone. Of course, we made sure we were good and drunk before we went.

The meeting was held at a church in downtown Allentown. I don’t remember what kind- the denomination, that is- but I suppose, much like the reason the cop pulled us over in the first place, it doesn’t really matter. Neil threatened to speak, make up some insane story of how he became an alcoholic. That would be something Neil would do. He was a crazy bastard and I loved him for it. Jeff pleaded with him to stay quiet. He had to get a form signed to show that he actually attended- and didn’t want to risk it. We plopped down in the middle row, in cheap fold-up chairs, trying our best to blend in with the older sad sacks around us. The first thing I noticed was three cute girls seated in the back. They were around our age and the attraction seemed to be mutual.

As people swapped their tales of woe, we engaged in schoolboy antics with the girls, tossing balled-up pieces of paper back and forth. I couldn’t wait till the stupid thing was over, so we could actually talk to them. Halfway through the meeting, though, the alcohol began to take hold. I started to doze off, head bobbing up and down, as a frail black man in his sixties told his story. He had a deep, throaty voice, like that of an emphysema patient. Somewhere during his speech, ten minutes or so in, I stirred awake. For a few frightening seconds, I didn’t know where I was. All I heard was the speaker recanting his journey into the abyss: “… Then I woke up. Looked down. And there was a knife in my throat.”

Christ! I never laughed so hard in my life. Everyone gawked at me. I couldn’t stop cackling. I mean, seriously, he didn’t notice a knife gouged in his throat? He had to look? Neil punched me in the knee, a pained expression on his face, his beady eyes begging me to stop. I had to get the hell out of there… I sprang to my feet and scuttled down the row, past the knees of horrified drunkards, and out the door. I waited outside the church for 20 minutes until the meeting ended. Neil strode outside, shaking his head, secretly delighted by my faux pas. If there was one person in the world who could appreciate humor in any situation, it was Neil.

A minute later, the girls stepped outside. I approached them, oblivious to the fact I had just made a complete ass of myself. Excitedly, I told them about an older friend of mine who lived down the street. “He’s got a full bar, anything you want.” All three girls glared at me, incredulous. One of them snapped, “we don’t drink.” They stomped away. I watched them, startled, thinking that, shit, maybe going to these things actually is a choice. Neil, Jeff, and I went to my buddy’s house and drank all night. We still had three more meetings to go.

Thwap-thwap-thwap. Flesh smacking flesh, the familiar, lusty soundtrack of vigorous sexual romps, often accompanied by feral grunts and ecstatic shrieks. In this case, however, the rhythmic thumping did not stem from any sort of carnal activity, alas, but from a far more base source- the detached sole of my left sneaker. And it flapped with every step I took, alerting my presence for a radius of no less than fifty feet. Attempts to ameliorate the situation- staples and Scotch tape, mainly- proved feckless. Ripping the rubber strip off, one clean shot, would render the shoe useless and the cost of another pair greatly exceeded my means. My monthly budget for expenses, after all, was limited to 15 dollars, a paltry sum for the bleakest days of the Depression, let alone a decade before the 21st century. Sadly, I was doomed to spend sophomore year in college, nearly three thousand miles removed from family and friends, with shoddy footwear that watermarked me for poverty as indelibly as a certain crimson letter connoted adultery.

I should never have been there, in Riverside. I had never visited, knew no one in the area, had zero ties whatsoever. The rudimentary act of picking out the medium-sized, medium-bold name on a California map proved to be an onerous chore, akin to fingering a suspect in a police lineup whom you’ve never laid eyes upon. Naturally, I assumed that a prominent river- several, perhaps, like Pittsburgh- weaved scenically through the city. My entire knowledge of Riverside, in fact, consisted of a single, negligible crumb of trivia: Butch Johnson, a wide receiver of my beloved Dallas Cowboys, attended UCR twenty years prior to my arrival. Imagine my disappointment when I learned that the university had disbanded the football program the summer after Butch graduated.

But there I was, traversing the oven baked, smog infested campus in my threadbare sneakers. Thwap-thwap-thwap. And they weren’t alone in deflating my sense of self-worth. A lurid stench of mendicancy clung to my clothes, much like cigarette smoke embeds itself in the attire of a tobacco fiend. My wardrobe was comprised largely of faded, second hand T-shirts and wrinkled cargo shorts riddled with tears and pen marks that endured long stretches of usage. Laundry was a luxury I could not afford, at least not at regular intervals. Any orphaned coins, found or scrounged, were commandeered to supplement the purchase of potatoes, rice, and ramen, the staples of my survival. A destitute outsider in a strange, balmy land, I abandoned all hope of a social life and focused relentlessly on my studies.

To combat my grinding impecunity, I secured a job at a UPS sorting plant, two and a half miles from campus. There, every weekday morning from 3 to 7, I unloaded a steady stream of boxes- some weighing upwards of 50 pounds- emptying one truck after another, clanging the packages onto a ceaselessly moving conveyor belt. My daily ritual consisted of waking up at 2, taking a quick shower that doubled as a caffeine substitute, showing a raw potato in the microwave (7 minutes for ideal softness), and scarfing it down while I intermittently walked and ran through the bone chilling darkness in my overtaxed sneakers. Thwap-thwap-thwap. It was backbreaking work, four hours of constant bending over and lifting, without a respite. When the sun finally peeked through the crags of the San Bernardino mountains, it signaled the last quarter of the shift. Then it was back to campus for an 8 o’clock class, the return trip at least aided with the warmth of sunshine.

Unfortunately, the pay wasn’t nearly sufficient to cover rent, books, and food (and tuition, well, that was covered with a series of bad checks that I’d make good later that summer). Asking my parents, factory laborers in Allentown, Pennsylvania, for any kind of financial assistance was simply not an option. So I took on additional employment at the UCR physical plant. This was where welding and carpentry and masonry and all those blue collar skills learned in shop class were legitimized in real world applications. Skills that were that undoubtedly mocked a mile away by precocious students vying for degrees with far less utility. The hours were 1 to 5 in the afternoon, completing a daily schedule that now ran non-stop from 2am to 5pm. The work was much less laborious than UPS, tidying up the cavernous warehouse being the principal duty. And it was there, during a routine cleaning, that I inadvertently became a criminal.

They were a scuffed pair of white, New Balance hightops, a gray ‘N’ stitched on either side. Size 11, too. Perfect. I found them inside a wooden tool box while dusting the work bench in the carpentry section. The sneakers were hardly in mint condition, well worn creases spidering through them like wrinkles on the face of an elderly peasant woman, but they were infinitely superior to mine. I lifted the shoes out of the box and set them on the table. For the rest of my shift, an hour or so, I deliberated on whether or not to take them. Every few minutes, while sweeping sawdust into neat piles, I stole affectionate glances at them. Surely the owner wouldn’t miss an old set of sneakers. And, heck, even if he did have a special affinity for them, I was certain he could afford to buy another pair. When five o’clock struck, I learned the industrial-sized broom against the wall, picked up the shoes- careful that no one was watching- and scurried home to my apartment, every morsel of my body consumed with a soul crushing guilt.

My compunction, though, melted away the next morning around 2:15 when I slipped my feet into them. What comfort! What style! The frosty trek to UPS was not only less arduous but downright enjoyable. The true benefit came when I strolled onto campus, tall and proud, no longer subject to the humiliating sight and sound of my forlorn sneakers. After my last class, I scampered home for a quick bite- a bowl of ramen soup, mixed with rice- and changed into my old footwear. Like climbing back into your crummy car after test driving a sleek Mercedes, my confidence tumbled. The moment I arrived at the physical plant, John, a beefy, athletic senior, summoned me over to the work bench. “Were you cleaning here yesterday?” I nodded. He opened the tool box. I gulped, hoping my crimson face didn’t betray me. “Did you see a pair of sneakers in here?” He asked it quizzically, without a trace of accusation. I shook my head, portraying all the small town innocence I could muster. “Uh-uh.” John closed the lid, perplexed. “Huh.”

It’s said, particularly in political circles, that the cover-up is worse than the crime. I can attest to the veracity of that statement. All I had to do was come clean, spew out the truth, clear my conscience. I didn’t know they belonged to anybody, sorry. I’ll bring ’em back tomorrow- no harm, no foul. But I didn’t. I lied. Right to his face, no less. No shame. What would my mom think? That’s not how she raised me. My God, she’s practically a saint, flinging her last buck in the collection basket every Sunday. And now her youngest son was not only a thief but a liar, two monumental blows against her precious faith.

For the next couple weeks, I wore the hightops to UPS and then to my classes, mindful to swap them out before heading off to the physical plant. This rigidity of habit gave me a feeling of security that I believed to be impenetrable. It was during this period of nonchalance that I spotted John on the main campus walkway, striding towards me. Though I should have contemplated the possibility of seeing him, I never thought of John as being an actual student. Face flushed with terror, I tramped into the nearest building, head down, praying that he didn’t catch a glimpse of me. Or worse, his sneakers on my feet. Only when I saw him loping past, from the safe haven of the library lobby, did my jackrabbit heart slow to a normal beat.

Then, one afternoon, a month or so after absconding the shoes, I forgot to make the switch. It was only upon wading through the layer of sawdust that habitually covered the floor did I notice my error. More tragically, John was hauling lumber off a truck parked outside the warehouse, some 30 feet away. I abruptly turned around and hightailed it to the military barracks-style bathroom, locking myself inside one of the grungy stalls. A few minutes later, someone walked inside. I lifted my feet, hiding the sneakers from view.

“David?” A voice called out. John. “You in here?” I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. Words would not escape my mouth. When I heard the retreating footsteps, I heaved a sigh of relief. I sat on the toilet for another ten minutes, pulse racing, pondering my escape. Finally, I sprang the door open and darted down the hallway, out the front door, into the open air. I sprinted the entire way home, never glancing back. At the green, industrial-sized dumpster in front of my apartment complex, I stopped, catching my breath. I yanked off the sneakers and chucked them into the bin. A warm feeling of serenity washed over me, cleansing my tarnished soul. I walked inside my door, shoeless, vowing never to return to a life of crime.