‘This is such a fun concept and a very enjoyable read. It’s a way more inclusive and modern The House Bunny and a memorable concept through and through… The characters are lovable and relatable. This especially applies to Emily. Her story is one that many women can relate to. She put everything on hold to be there for her family and completely forgot herself in the process. Her goal is clearly established, and it’s so easy to root for her…. The rest of the characters are equally well-crafted and likable. All of them have distinct personalities and are authentic. The dialogue is well-written and easy to read. The language chosen fits the story and the genre nicely… There are quite a few memorable lines that made me laugh out loud, and I can assure you that doesn’t happen very often. It’s a testament to your dialogue skills. The overall tone is fun and unique. We can hear your voice as a writer come through perfectly and it’s so much fun.’

EXT. PALATIAL ESTATE, RURAL NORTH CAROLINA — NIGHT

Like the opening of Citizen Kane (we’re in black and white,
folks) an imposing, wrought iron fence protects a massive
property. Posted on the gate, a menacing sign: NO TRESPASSING

Behind the fence, a colossal palace surrounded by endless
fields of tobacco plants. Over this, a 1940s-style narrator:

NARRATOR V.O.: … Legendary tobacco king Duke Bentson in the battle of his life, fighting the scourge of cancer…

INT. BEDROOM, PALATIAL ESTATE

DUKE BENTSON (70), white-haired and deathly ill, lies in bed,
clenching a snow globe with a miniature White House inside.

NARRATOR V.O.: … He amassed his fortune for one reason and one reason only: for his son to become President…

Duke shakes the globe. Instead of snow, dozens of tiny $1,000,0000 bills fall. He grins at seeing all the money.

NARRATOR V.O.: … His firstborn, John Junior, was certain to carry out that destiny- Harvard grad, military officer…

The globe slips from his hand as he utters one word: ‘power’

NARRATOR V.O.: … But he was killed in that terrible war in Grenada. So the obligation fell upon his second son, Jack, who nearly fulfilled…

The globe SHATTERS on the floor. The bills settle atop the smashed White House, blanketing it.

NARRATOR V.O.:… His father’s wish, narrowly losing his bid for the White House in a hotly contested primary. He now serves as Vice President, one step away from the Oval Office.

Duke gasps- his final one?- then his eyes close.

EXT. COURTYARD (‘THE LAWN’), UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA — DAY

JACK BENTSON (40s), a folksy Southerner with a lot of little boy in him (think Will Ferrell) gives a speech to the graduates. He’s confident. Commanding. Presidential.

JACK: … There’s an old saying in Virginia- I know it’s in Carolina, it’s probably in Virginia- that says early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and…

He’s suddenly flustered. Glances around, looking for his trusted adviser… he’s nowhere to be found. Awkward silence.

JACK: Mize. (nailed it) Makes you Johnny Mize. And in the end, isn’t that what we all want?

The students gawk at one another, befuddled.

INT. FRATERNITY HOUSE, UNIVERSITY OF VIRGINIA — NIGHT

Sleeves rolled up, Jack has an intense look on his face. He plays a heated game of flip cup with a bunch of coeds: it’s an even match and he’s anchorman.

JACK: We got this, guys! Let’s focus.

The cute, busty blonde next to him flips her red Solo cup. Jack chugs his beer and plinks the cup over on his first try.

JACK: YES!!!

He celebrates with his teammates. Swept up in the frenzy, Jack goes to chest bump the blonde- she whips back, whoa!

JACK: Sorry.

One of the drunk frat boys captures the scene on his phone.

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, NORTH CAROLINA — DAY

Jack reads a children’s book to a class of first graders. A SECRET SERVICE AGENT (30s, Black, fit) whispers into his ear. Jack’s face sours- some horrific tragedy just occurred.

JACK: Can I finish this real quick? Dying to see how it turns out.

The agent stares him down.

EXT. AIRPORT RUNWAY, NORTH CAROLINA — AFTERNOON

Jack steps onto the ramp of Air Force Two.

REPORTER: After all your recent blunders, are you concerned the President might replace you?

Jack snorts. To the secret service agent at his side:

JACK: That guy’s a total douche- bag, nozzle, and the box it came in.

SECRET SERVICE AGENT: Uh, we’re still live.

JACK: Let’s edit that out.

And strides onto the plane.

INT. FIVE-STAR HOTEL ROOM, PARIS — NIGHT

BOBBY ‘HIT MAN’ HEARNS (40s, Black) watches a news report of Jack’s miscues. A former street kid, Bobby’s a natural born hustler turned political adviser (think Kevin Hart).

BOBBY: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Leave for one week…

His girlfriend, ELLE (30s), a sexy, Latina socialite, sashays out of the bathroom in a slinky black dress.

ELLE: Don’t know why you’re so surprised- can’t open his beer without you.

BOBBY: Seen him open plenty, believe me.

ELLE: Face it, guy’s a total loser.

BOBBY: Hey, c’mon, don’t say that.

ELLE: You backed the wrong horse. He was in my stable, I’d shoot him.

BOBBY: Owe my whole career to him- his dad, anyway.

ELLE: Shoulda worked with Peters when you had the chance.

BOBBY: Yeah, right. Guy who had his wife killed to win an election.

ELLE: That wasn’t proven and you know it.

BOBBY: Campaigned against him for two years. Trust me, he’s the devil.

ELLE: Yeah, well, that devil’s in the White House.

BOBBY: Say what you will about Bentson, gotta admit, he’s a good man.

ELLE: Only if you admit he’s a loser.

BOBBY: He was the most popular governor- ugh, let’s just drop it.

She studies him, dressed in a black T-shirt and blue jeans.

ELLE: Not gonna wear that tonight, are you?

BOBBY: Guess not.

Slogs to the closet as she ogles the hunky TV reporter- yum.

Title: NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME, JANUARY 2023

EXT. PARKING LOT, LINCOLN FIELD, PHILADELPHIA — EVENING

Frozen tundra. Six frostbitten Eagles fans swill cans of shitty beer as they watch the football game on a 13-inch TV.

The lone woman: KATE THOMPSON (40s, think Kaitlin Olson), a Philly detective who could outdrink and outcurse any Jersey truckdriver. Eagles jacket on, her face is painted green.

KATE: Let’s do our toast: to pop…

They all raise their beer cans. Belt out their dad’s creed-

THE TAILGATE CREW: Fuck the Cowboys!

Guzzle their brews as two ARAMARK workers in ski masks- one tall, one short- amble past. A chubby, baby-faced security guard leads them into the stadium. His nametag reads JERRY…

INT. BACK OFFICE, CONCESSION STAND — 10 MINUTES LATER

… SHEILA RIDDICK (40s, think Tiffany Haddish) a slender, Black vendor stacks bags of money onto a cart. Streetwise on the surface, Sheila’s a hopeless romantic at heart.

She pushes the cart out of the back office, a look of pure dread on her face, like a P-O-W. Something’s wrong here.

Jerry and the two ARAMARK workers await her. A cop tramps by. Sheila wavers, hoping the cop stops- but he treks along…

SHORT ARAMARK GUY: (under his breath) Trust me.

… Figuring she can’t back out now, Sheila flashes a flirty smile- these two know one other- and passes him the cart.

EXT. PARKING LOT, LINCOLN FIELD — 5 MINUTES LATER

The two guys swiftly push the cart towards a white ARAMARK van, past our group of tailgaters. Kate studies the guys…

Notices details no one else would: the ARAMARK logo on the van is a decal, not paint. And the uniforms look official, but they’re replicas. These at not ARAMARK employees.

She bounds to her feet, clenching a beer can.

KATE: Hey! Stop right there- PPD!

The guys heave the cart into the van and hop inside… Kate DASHES toward them as the van SPEEDS away-

BARRELS OVER a beefy man in a 49ers jacket. The tailgaters witness this. Stunned silence. Then, an explosion of CHEERS!

49ERS FAN: (gasping) … Someone call 9-1-1…

The van BOLTS out of the lot. Kate grasps her phone and dials as she DARTS past the wounded fan, splayed on the pavement.

49ERS FAN: … Thank you…

DISPATCHER V.O.: Hey, Thompson! You at the game?

KATE: (into phone, all business) Oh-300 in progress. White Aramark van heading south on Pattison.

Just then, the crowd ROARS. The entire stadium SHAKES.

DISPATCHER V.O.: Woo-hoo!!! Touchdown!!!

Kate gapes at the fleeing van, pained. Crushes her beer can. Plods back to her crew as the 49ers fan staggers to his feet.

49ERS FAN: … Ya know, I-I think I’m okay…

Kate PUNCHES him in the face- knocking him back on his ass.

KATE: Niners suck.

Philadelphia Inquirer headline: ‘WE WIN!!!’ On the bottom of the front page, in small font: ‘Lincoln Field Robbed’

Currently in development. Check it out:

https://malkusgroup.com/Projects.html

Heisting the Cup is a genuinely funny, well-composed comedy film that benefits from the writer’s ability to carefully construct an engaging narrative around dynamic characters while weaving humor in. The film has a great structure with characters dimensionalized by their inclinations and motivations. This film feels like a love letter to Philly with Charlie being both flawed and disarming enough to make the audience root for him.

EXT. PARK, WASHINGTON, D.C. — NEXT DAY

Jack and Bobby sit on a bench, trying to look inconspicuous in their trench coats, fedoras, and sunglasses. They both hold newspapers: Bobby, a NY Times; Jack, a free XXX rag.

BOBBY: Wanna get caught? Spend your life in prison? We can’t be seen together- not at home, not the office. And we sure can’t talk about it on the phone.
JACK: We look ridiculous.
BOBBY: Speak for yourself, I look good.
JACK: So what do we got so far?
BOBBY: Obvious ones- poison, bomb, explosion of some kind.
JACK: How ‘bout a knife?
BOBBY: Tough to kill him.
JACK: Rope.
BOBBY: What, like the mafia?
JACK: Lead pipe.
BOBBY: Eh.
JACK: Candlestick.
BOBBY: (a beat) Are you naming Clue pieces?
JACK: You can learn a lot from a family board game.
BOBBY: Jesus, Jack.
JACK: Hitler played Risk. (Bobby sighs) From the suggested age of 8 and up.

Speaking of 8-year-olds, a tour guide leads a Cub Scout troop past them, lecturing on the wonders of democracy. Jack and Bobby wave to the boys. Thinking they’re pedophiles, the tour guide hurries the Scouts along.

BOBBY: You know the President, you been to his house. What does he like?
JACK: Fine china.
BOBBY: How does that possibly…
JACK: Princess Di commemorative plates. (big) Franklin Mint.
BOBBY: Something we can use, something-
JACK: He likes 20-year-old scotch.
BOBBY: Who doesn’t?
JACK: And 20-year-olds.
BOBBY: (perks up) Girls?
JACK: Preferably with the scotch.
BOBBY: You serious right now?
JACK: Oh, yeah. He makes Clinton look like a…

Wracks his brain, trying to say ‘teetotaler.’

JACK: … Tee-tote….
BOBBY: Jack, you beautiful bastard!
JACK: … Uh, tee-tot…
BOBBY: We got our in.
JACK: … Tater tot… (nailed it) Makes him look a tater tot.

A policeman swaggers past. Jack and Bobby sit upright and straighten their clothes. The cop eyes them suspiciously.

BOBBY: Okay, okay. Anything else you can think of?
JACK: He hates clowns.
BOBBY: Everyone hates clowns.
JACK: And babies.
BOBBY: Really?
JACK: And bunnies. And pandas. And peanuts. And-
BOBBY: Peanuts?

JACK: That’s what you took from that?
BOBBY: Wait- does he not like them or is he allergic?
JACK: What’s the difference?
BOBBY: Us sleeping on this bench or napping in the Lincoln bedroom.
JACK: I do like naps.
BOBBY: If he’s allergic…
JACK: (realizing) … We could frame Mr. Peanut.
BOBBY: Exactly.
JACK: So pretentious with his cane and monocle. Like to take a fork and-
BOBBY: (beaming) Think we found our weapon.
JACK: Fork?
BOBBY: Peanut!
JACK: Frankly, I prefer the candlestick.
BOBBY: Next time, awright?
JACK: Promise?
BOBBY: You have my word, Jack. Next time we plot to assassinate a public figure, we’ll use a candlestick.
JACK: Thank you.

A guy dressed exactly like Jack and Bobby strolls past; there’s a good chance he has nothing under his coat.
He nods hello to Jack and Bobby- after all, they’re his peers. Jack and Bobby realize they look like perverts.

JACK: We should probably…
BOBBY: Yeah.

They spring off the bench. O.s., boys SHRIEK as the guy in the trench coat exposes himself to the Cub Scouts.

Heisting the Cup is a genuinely funny, well-composed comedy film that benefits from the writer’s ability to carefully construct an engaging narrative around dynamic characters while weaving humor in. The film has a great structure with characters dimensionalized by their inclinations and motivations. This film feels like a love letter to Philly with Charlie being both flawed and disarming enough to make the audience root for him.

INT. WELLS FARGO ARENA, PHILADELPHIA — NIGHT

Game 7, conference finals. Flyers up 3-2, 10 seconds left. The raucous crowd BELTS out the final ticks of the clock…

A rabid fan in the rafters, CHARLIE SULLIVAN (30s), short and bearded, grabs a mini bottle of rum from his torn tube sock and slugs it down. He sports a Flyers jersey with ROSKI on the back. In a Sharpie, an F is scrawled in front of ROSKI.

ROSKI, now playing for the Rangers, skates across center ice… weaves between two defenders. Three seconds left…

Dekes a shot, then dashes toward the goal… a Flyer HIP CHECKS Roski as he winds up for a shot- the clock reads 00:00

Fans ERUPT! On the ice, Roski writhes in pain- like he just got impaled by a rusty pitchfork. A whistle BLOWS. The ref calls for a penalty shot. Roski leaps to his feet, grinning.

Crowd SCREAMS bloody murder. Charlie THRUSTS both middle fingers at the ref. Next to him, VICTOR (30s), a dapper Black man wearing chic clothes, checks out the girls in the stands.

Tense silence. Roski’s at center ice. He takes the puck and glides towards the goal… fakes left, shoots right… GOAL!

Fans BOO. Charlie CHUCKS empty airline bottles of booze at the ref, one after another… ping. Text from KATE: ‘Pick me up a hoagie?’ Charlie groans, shutting off his phone.

Victor checks his cell: his bet on the Rangers still alive.

EXT/INT. BARS ACROSS PHILLY

… Entire city’s glued to the TV, awaiting overtime…

INT. WELLS FARGO ARENA — 15 MINUTES LATER

Overtime starts. Roski wins the faceoff… passes to his left wing, who dishes it back… Roski winds up for a slapshot…

And CRUSHES it, burying the puck in the back of the net. Noooo! Philly’s had heartbreaks before, but none like this.

Cups and cans and everything not glued down RAIN DOWN onto the ice. The refs and the Rangers scurry to the locker room. All but Roski, who soaks in the hate, flipping off the crowd.

Out of things to throw, Charlie yanks off a sneaker, but Victor stops him- chill, bro. Charlie heaves a heavy sigh.

O V E R A L L I M P R E S S I O N: T O P 4 %
C O N C E P T: T O P 4 %
P L O T: T O P 4 %

This is a really fun and enjoyable read. The concept is smart and excites us right from the beginning. There’s the fact that so many of us suffer from student debt, and that makes the story highly relatable right off the bat. The story features a great cat and mouse game. Keith is actively hunting Chas, and that is exciting to watch and keeps the stakes high.

The plot is well crafted and already works extremely well. The setup is simple but effective.

Structurally, the script is in good shape as well. The structure ensures that the story moves in the most interesting way possible and stays logical. That is certainly the case here. Every scene causes the next, and the story moves forward with urgency. There is a clear trajectory, and the stakes are high and continue to heighten throughout.

The concept is cleverly conceived and works very well. The concept is simple and straightforward, and that makes it so effective. What makes a concept and script successful is the relatability of the story, and that is absolutely given here.

Overall, the script is in great shape and very entertaining.

Package: Full Coverage   

CAPITOL OFFEN$E by David Agnew Penn 

Page Count: 106  Genre: Comedy  Analyst: GC33  

Rating: Recommend  Score: 9.10/10 

CATEGORY	SCORE	PERCENTILE
Plot	9.00/10	(97 percentile)
Characterization	9.00/10	(97 percentile)
Concept	9.00/10	(100 percentile)
Format	10.00/10	(100 percentile)
Voice	9.00/10	(100 percentile)
Structure	8.00/10	(98 percentile)
Dialogue	10.00/10	(100 percentile)
Overall Weighted Percentile	99
Note: Percentiles are based on historical data of scores given out by this  analyst.