Cartman’s been 10 years old since 1997, the year the iconoclastic show South Park was born. If the big-boned, foul-mouthed adolescent aged like a normal human being, Cartman would be in his early 30’s right now… and more than likely (okay, definitely) a huge Trump supporter. And if he was in his seventies- if animated characters, like canines, age at an accelerated pace- he could actually be Trump. The similarities between the two are startling. Think about it: they’re both morally corrupt narcissists who loath poor people, liberals, and minorities. The perpetual fourth grader and the current President of the United States both believe they’re the supreme leader of their respective worlds whose authority should never- under any circumstances- be questioned, let alone challenged. If you’re a fan of South Park, you’ll recall the episode about the boys’ once beloved water park being (allegedly) overtaken by minorities. Cartman sang a dirge about it, an anthem that could be blasted at Trump rallies.
‘What has happened to this place?/I don’t recognize it anymore/It used to be so fun and special/What is life worth living for?/ The dream is dead/Our land is gone/There’s a hole in my heart/And I can’t go on/There are too many minorities (minorities)/At my water park (my water park)/ This was our land, our dream (our dream)/and they’ve taken it all away/They just keep coming and coming (minorities)/I tried to go and tell the police/But even the authorities/Are minorities (are minorities)/At my water park/There’s no place for me to sit anymore/And the lines just keep getting crazier/There are Mexicans all around me/The lazy river has never been lazier/It’s a 40 minute wait to go down one slide/And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride (just do it in English!)/There are too many minorities (too many)/At my water park (somebody do something)/Where did they all come from/Why can’t they leave this land alone/And it’s such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying)/We looked the other way too long/We’ve got to change our priorities/And get all these minorities/ Out of my water park/(Minorities) Mexicans and Asian/Black people/I think I even saw Native Americans (gross)/God I’m asking please/Get all of these minorities/Out of my water park (my water park)’
Okay, I’m pretty sure I could stop right here and you’d get the point. But for the proverbial shits and giggles (a really odd phrase, btw; bowel movements and laughter should never be lumped together), let’s carry on with more Trump- er, Cartmanisms.
‘The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!’
This could be the unofficial motto of the Trump administration. The Orange One reacts to any perceived slight, whether real or imagined, as a sucker punch to his privates. Cue up Twitter and prepare for a Category 5 storm… misspellings and all. And in perfect Orwellian fashion, the President accuses others- the media, primarily- for inciting the animosity. His rallies are breeding grounds for hate and have undoubtedly led to such tragedies as Charlottesville. Not surprisingly, Trump defended the white supremacists responsible for killing a protester. At the very least, he engaged in moral equivalence, claiming both sides were to blame… but more on his racism later.
‘I’m not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body.’
Trump’s delusion regarding his appearance was never more apparent when he posted a photo of his 73-year-old, heavily made up face on Rocky Balboa’s buff body. Despite a recent, unscheduled visit to Walter Reed hospital- decidedly not for a physical, which are always prearranged- the President claims, naturally, to be in perfect health. But like his taxes and grades, we’ll never know the truth. However, based on his protruding gut and affinity for fried chicken, I think we can safely assume that his health is far less than perfect.
‘Kenny’s family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage!’
It’s no secret that Trump has always harbored a hearty disdain for the poor, particularly those who are non-white. In his grand delusion, Trump believes he’s a self-made man, completely discounting the millions that were gifted to him by his father. As President, Trump has shredded the safety net for the poor. Among the dozens of charitable programs his administration has gutted, food stamps, housing rental assistance and job training for low-income youth have all been victims of the chopping block. And, of course, there’s his messianic crusade to rid the country of Obamacare as if it was an infectious insect.
‘Alright, y’all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. There’s a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothing more than to sneak past our border, and we’ve got to stop them!’
Ah, yes. Trump’s most notorious target of pure, unadulterated hatred: the Mexicans. Whether it’s the supposed wall he’s building to keep out the vermin- with the vermin’s own dough, no less- or denouncing the citizenry as drug smugglers, criminals, and rapists, Trump’s treatment of our Southern neighbor is undeniably deplorable. And if that word sounds familiar, it’s the same invective Hillary used to described Trump’s supporters. While she certainly wasn’t wrong (hey, if the basket fits…), Hillary would have been better served if the derisive term was lobbed directly at the leader of the hatemongers himself, rather than his loyal acolytes. It would’ve had the benefit of being more accurate, too.
‘Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It’s all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap.’
The most powerful man in the world believes climate change is a hoax. Yes, still, as we approach the year 2020 with all the conclusive scientific data at our disposal. That’s why (in his not so infinite wisdom) he yanked us out of the Paris Agreement, a global initiative that aims to, ya know… save the f’ng planet. Since he took office, Trump has rolled back environmental regulations and fought the (not so good) fight to keep fossil fuels prospering. He’s like a stubborn explorer refusing to sail to far stretches of the world because he fears tumbling off the edge of the Earth. And in another bout of Orwellianism- and I’m 99% sure he’s never even heard of the author, let alone read his books- the Trump administration has removed the words ‘climate change’ from government reports. Flat Earthers, unite!
‘Sorry, I don’t make the rules. I just think them up and write them down.’
Our foreign policy, in a nutshell. Especially as it relates to Turkey. Only this Cartmanism goes too far; Trump doesn’t actually write his so-called rules down. After a phone call with his buddy Erdogan, Trump decides it’s high time to abandon the Kurds, our greatest ally in the Middle East. And, by doing so, gives hundreds of ISIS fighters a get-out-of-jail-free card. Naturally, slaughter ensues. No one, not even his biggest sycophants, thought this was a prudent strategy. After a few days of constant criticism, Trump alters course and lobbies his friend for a ceasefire. The President claims victory, of course, as if his rash decision and abrupt about-face were all part of a master plan. ‘Sometimes you have to let kids fight it out.’ Cartman would heartily agree.
‘I’m gonna need an engineer, a scientist, and of course a black person who can sacrifice himself if something goes wrong.’
You can’t just have one blurb on Trump’s racism. After all, there’s so many minority groups out there… and no one has been more victimized by Trump than African-Americans. You can go back to the early Seventies when, as a budding real estate mogul, he flatly wouldn’t rent to black folks. A ‘c’ (for ‘colored’) was scrawled on the application, a scarlet letter of sorts for racial discrimination. In the Eighties, he called for the death penalty of the Central Park Five, a group of black kids who were ultimately- and completely- exonerated after spending years in prison. He even took out a full page ad in the New York Times to assure a guilty verdict. The next chapter of his bigotry involves Obama’s birth certificate. This bizarre campaign for the nation’s first black President to submit proof that he wasn’t born in Africa- and (egads!) a Muslim- propelled the reality star into the political world. And as commander-in-chief, he ceremoniously referred to African countries as ‘shitholes.’ Churchill, he is not.
‘I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I’d like HEY! Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!’
You can’t have a complete view of the 45th President without mentioning his scurrilous treatment of women. From his parading past nude, underage girls at Miss Teen USA pageants to boasting about ‘grabbing ’em by the pussy,’ to the numerous sexual harassment suits filed against him, Trump has left an ignominious trail of abusing the fairer gender. Then there’s the verbal grenades he has launched at celebrities such as Rosie O’ Donnell, Megyn Kelly, and Meryl Streep, all laced with misogyny. And, of course, his Twitter rants could be compiled into a comprehensive handbook for female bashing. I’m pretty sure that was an actual major at Trump University.
‘You gotta respect my authora-tah!’
Trump thinks ‘strong man’ is a term of endearment. Never mind the fact that it’s been applied to the most ruthless autocrats in history. The President admires leaders like Putin and Jong Un whose authority is supreme and unquestioned. Hell, he aspires to be them. Even as impeachment looms, the President still believes he’s above the law. Bill Maher came up with a dictator checklist for Trump… he marks off all but one. When he dons a military uniform- a very distinct possibility- it’s officially time to panic. Maher’s greatest fear (mine, too) is that Trump will not relinquish office if he loses next year’s election. He’s already working the refs, claiming his opponents are rigging the votes. If Cartman was running for fourth grade president, that’s exactly what he would do.
David Agnew Penn 