EXT. TOPLESS BAR (’THE GOLDEN GOOSE’)

Seedy as hell. The Camaro roars into the parking lot.

SHEILA: Always wanted to see what goes on inside one a’ these.
KATE: Really? Not a big fucking mystery- losers who can’t get laid.
SHEILA: Well, today’s their lucky day.
KATE: (re: STD’s) Yeah, definitely taking the over.

INT. GOLDEN GOOSE

Even seedier inside: buffet of shitty food and a pool table. Rednecks ogle aging strippers on stage… Kate and Sheila amble in- they’re the only women, so everyone gawks at them… an old waitress picks up empty glasses with her flabby tits.

SHEILA: (re: food) Ooh, look at the spread.
KATE: That’s the shit prisons throw out.
SHEILA: They seem to like it.

Gestures to two guys scarfing down beef stroganoff- it’s Mikey and Brownie. They spot Kate and greet her.

KATE: Ah, Jesus Christ.
MIKEY: What the hell you doin’ here?
KATE: Me? What about you? I’m working, dickhead.
BROWNIE: (titillated) You’re a stripper?
KATE: Goddamn idiots.

Sheila looks Mikey up and down. Yeah, this could work.

SHEILA: Mmm, time for my entree.

BACK ROOM.

Middle-aged women with saggy breasts. Kate holds up an old photo of Nick taken a decade ago (it’s all she has).

KATE:… Anyone know this guy? Seen him around? Imagine him 10 years older.
STRIPPER: Whoa! He did NOT age well.
KATE: You know him?
STRIPPER: Whadda you, his wife?
KATE: God, no! PPD.
STRIPPER: Seen him in here a few times. Quiet type. Loves our chicken parm.
KATE: Well, sure. This place made the Michelin guide, three stars.
STRIPPER: (correcting her) It’s food, honey. Not tires.
KATE: Ever come in with anyone?
STRIPPER: Ugh, don’t get me started… one time he comes in with this black guy. Real charmer, ya know?
KATE: Eddie?
STRIPPER: You slept with him, too?
KATE: Wha- no! You’re really bad at guessing.
STRIPPER:… So I take him back to my place, end up loaning the asshole money. (explaining) He’s got a monster-
KATE: Yeah, yeah, I heard. Go on.
STRIPPER: Yeah, so, he gives me this necklace…
KATE: (thinking it’s cum)… Ohmigod…
STRIPPER:… Collateral, ya know. Says it’s worth like 10 grand or something. Next day? My wrist turns green.
KATE: Know where he lives?
STRIPPER: Just seen him in here.
KATE: Great. Fucking great.

O.s., the DJ spins a new tune: Nelly’s ‘Hot in Herre’

FRONT ROOM.

Sheila throws back a shot with Mikey and Brownie.

SHEILA: Ooh, this is my jam right here!

And RUSHES to the stage, chucking aside the stripper who was supposed to go on- She twirls around the pole, shaking her ass-
Guys hoot and holler, flinging dollar bills on the stage-
She stuffs the bills in her pocket-
Kate marches out from the back-
Stops in her tracks seeing Sheila.

KATE: Get your ass down here!
SHEILA: What, gonna arrest me? I’m already in jail, bitch!
KATE: Goddammit, don’t fuck with me!
SHEILA: I got me a ‘get outta jail free card!’… get some, Monopoly Man.

Shakes her ass in front of an old, portly pervert with a white mustache and top hat: a modern day Monopoly Man.
Kate leaps up on stage-
The crowd goes WILD, thinking it’s part of the show-
She grabs hold of Sheila, who slaps her hands away-
Kate yanks on her blouse, RIPPING it-
Mikey SPITS the beef stroganoff out of his mouth-
In SLO-MOTION, it flies through the air…
… Lands on a guy’s neck-
He whirls around and PUNCHES Mikey in the face-
Brownie picks up a chair and SMASHES it on the guy’s chest-
On stage, Sheila retaliates and RIPS Kate’s shirt off-
The crowd WHOOPS-
The frail owner calls the cops as fists and chair and food flies! It’s pandemonium-
A redneck cues up a pool stick, then STABS someone with it-
Another guy tries to pick up a table, but throws out his back (it’s nailed to the floor)-
The old waitress cradles a guy’s head, then titty boxes him, a vicious left-right combo-
Kate and Sheila wrestle on stage, rolling around, YANKING off one another’s clothes…
Just then, Andy and Berto dash in- they got the call. They gape in wonderment at all the chaos…
Berto goes to arrest someone, but Andy holds him back. Chill.

ANDY: Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and take a look around once in a while, you could miss it.
BERTO: Ferris Bueller?
ANDY: Second greatest movie ever made.
BERTO: Guess that makes me Cameron.
ANDY: Sure does, buddy. Sure does.

And ducks as a chair SAILS past his head.

EXT. PENNMORE COLLEGE –- NIGHT

Emily and the ten Pi Omegas saunter across campus, chatting & laughing. They’ve become a tight-knit group, a sisterhood.

ANNA: So, what, this is just a formality?
EMILY: Yep! They’re gonna officially welcome us on campus.
The girls hoot and holler. Passersby sneer at the ‘geeks.’

INT. GYMNASIUM — 20 MINUTES LATER

Meeting of the Greek Council. 12 members sit around a stately table: 6 fraternity presidents and 6 sorority presidents (whom we’ve already seen at the dean’s office). There’s 100 students or so in attendance, including our girls. Dean Andrews sits in the back, trying to be incognito.

MADISON: We’d like to welcome all the new pledges. I got a feeling it’s gonna be a great year for all of us… well, not quite all of us. I do have a bit of bad news. We appreciate the, uh, ‘enthusiasm’- I guess is the right word- of Pi Omega, but you need eight votes and you only got six. (to the guys, accusing) All from horndogs who wanna sleep with middle-aged women. Eww. (to the Pi Omegas) Sorry, guys. Maybe next year, huh?

The crowd murmurs. Emily’s crushed. Anna’s incensed.

ANNA: How can they do that?

One of the presidents, the handsome frat boy (JAKE RYAN), pounds the gavel.

JAKE RYAN: Okay, next order of business: alcohol policy.

A few guys BOO. The dean takes mental notes of the offenders.

JAKE RYAN: I know, I know, believe me.

Emily senses the pain of her distraught sisters. She summons her courage and stands up. All eyeballs turn to her.

JAKE RYAN: We’ll take questions afterwards.

Despite her crippling anxiety, Emily stays on her feet. This is literally (and, well, metaphorically) her stance.

EMILY: I-I’m sorry, I don’t mean to… you said we don’t need another sorority and, uh, I just wanna say… I think we do.

Madison grumbles.

EMILY: No, listen. Look at you guys. You’re all gorgeous. You could all be on the cover of Vogue- that’s a magazine us ancient people read. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but… all the girls in your house look like you: skinny and beautiful and stylish. You got the world on a string. My daughter’s like that… but, uh, not everyone has that, ya know? There needs to be a place for those who aren’t perfect. The outcasts, the ones who don’t fit in… don’t we have a voice, too?

MADISON: (under her breath) Uh, no.
EMILY: ‘Cause let me tell you- and I know from experience- there’s a lot more of us out there than you. And look, if it’s me that’s the problem, I’ll leave right now. I will… I hear the jokes, the wisecracks. I may be old, but I’m not deaf- yet. I know I shouldn’t be here. I’m the biggest misfit of all. So if I’m holding things up, I’ll gladly step aside. Because these girls are wonderful. And if you gave them a chance, you’d know that, too.

Stunned silence. Robin claps, shattering the awkward hush. A few people in the crowd join her. Anna leaps to her feet.

ANNA: It’s all of us or nothing. You’re the reason I’m here. You’re the reason we’re all here.

The other Pi Omegas stand up in solidarity. A majority of the audience bursts into cheers, much to the dean’s chagrin.

ASHLEY: Wish my sorority was like that.
ROBIN: I call for a new vote.
MADISON: You can’t-
ASHLEY: I change mine to ‘yes.’
ROBIN: Me, too.
MADISON: I thought we were all in this together.
ROBIN: We are.

And stares down Madison.

JAKE RYAN: Okay, that makes it 8-4. (to the Pi Omegas) We’ll give you a trial period- one month. But you’re gonna need to be sanctioned by a national chapter.

The Pi Omegas CHEER wildly as Dean Andrews chafes.